Month: June 2018

Blog/

Catching Z’s In The First Place

As a teenage girl, I never thought I got enough sleep, always dreading the early rise to get up to go to school. Growing up in small town USA, with a school in the centre of the County, I had to get up extra early to catch the bus and if that wasn’t enough to drag me out of bed, my aunt, who lived next door, was our school bus driver. So no room from catching just a few more z’s. My siblings and I were up and at em five days a week and on the seventh day, we were up equally as early to go to Sunday School.

Can’t remember why we had to rise early on the sixth day, probably because my parents rejected the notion lying in. What with work to do. Not a chance.

In those days, I felt badly done by and swore than when I reached adulthood, I would sleep all the time.  Fast forward all these years later and I am still feeling a bit sleep deprived, particularly right about now, having caught a long haul flight from London on Monday to the US. With a number of delays, I lost an entire day and haven’t been able to get it back and never will according to Judit Ressinka, our guest on Episode 2: Your Body Inside Out.

Sleep is not something you can catch up on, rather it is something that you manage as best as you can from day-to-day for a number of reasons. The key one, according to Nicola Morgan, guest on our most recent podcast: Episode 12: Your Online Wellbeing Inside Out, is that sleep informs our health. In short, the brain needs sleep to function.

Research shows that teenagers need more than perhaps some others of us as they continue to grow. No wonder I felt a bit dozy throughout my teen years but listen up teen girls, I have a confession to make: I played my part in that sleep deprivation, too.

Well before mobile devices and so on, we had landlines and I have spent a many of night, hunkered under my covers whispering to a girlfriend or a boyfriend when my mother and father thought I was asleep. Wouldn’t you know it, there was another device before mobile phones that could be misused to interrupt sleep.

However, had I known what I know today, perhaps I would have taken some responsibility for my own sleep needs. Though I can’t go back, I can share lessons learned.

  • Put the devices away 1.5 hours before going to bed as Nicola Morgan points out.
  • Leave worry out of the bed or you’ll be worrying and trying to work out the problems throughout the night, whether awake or asleep.
  • Go to sleep earlier if necessary, according to what time you have to get up.
  • Don’t blame it all on your everyone else– school, athletics, parents and so on.
  • And finally, just relax long before climbing into bed.

And remember it is not about catching up on sleep, it is about getting it right in the first place. Got it!

 

Blog/

Your Online Wellbeing

One of the things that I love about blogging in this space is the opportunity to look down memory lane and offer some insight based on my own experiences.  Not this week, since the topic of the hour was unheard of when I was a teenage girl, though most of us cannot imagine life without it. Yes, you guessed it—we’re talking our beloved electronic devices and connecting to the internet with them.

Big topic for teenage girls, right? Of course. it is, but according to Nicola Morgan, expert on the adolescent brain, the topic is as crucially important for adults as it is teenagers. In our special summer edition podcast, Episode 12: Your Online Wellbeing Inside Out, Nicola tells us why we are so captivated by our devices and what compels us to stay online all the time, okay most of the time.  Also, she offers more insight on the subject in her latest book, The Teenage Guide to Life Online.

Admittedly, I have been a big proponent of confiscating phones and devices from teens particularly before bedtime without reference to what using the phone and being online obsessively might be doing to my own sleep, my own concentration, my life.

A few months ago, however, my nutritionist suggested that I put the phone away at least 1.5 hours before going to bed and I upped the stakes to two hours and have been reaping benefits since, at least when I manage to comply. But here is the thing, the penny still didn’t drop that I have been practicing double standards, as have many adults, until my conversation with Nicola.

In short, Nicola suggests that adults practice what we preach and offers three top tips about device and online management: 1) Switch off and put out of sight 1.5 hours before bedtime, 2) Put away at mealtimes, even a coffee with a friend, 3) Ban during a conversations. Don’t even glance. Gulp!

Now is the time for my confession. Last summer when my niece Jana, my now 15, visited London, the smart phone was indeed a point of contention. It and it only could cause the type of disturbance that could ruin Jana’s holiday to my mind. So, when she was walking around London clutching it, I cajoled and prodded, ‘put the phone away and check out this and that and so on’.

And at dinner, no phones were allowed at the table, not Jana’s anyhow, and at night, the phone was removed from her presence, ensuring a good night’s sleep for all, well for me anyhow. At least one night, separation anxiety caused such an upheaval that, my darling niece was up rather early asking if she could have her phone back.

Meanwhile, I was ever so determined to save her from it while all the time obsessively checking my own messages late at night and justifying occasional use at the dinner table or during a conversation. Worse yet, I probably caused a few second-hand disruptions, using my phone when she and my nephew had put theirs away with a view to concentrate on London.

I think this is the biggie for many adults. After all, we have to check work messages, take a phone call, do important things, right. Wrong answer, says Nicola Morgan.

For the rest of the story, Listen to Your Online Wellbeing Inside Out on iTunes, Soundcloud, TuneIn,  Stitcher and other listening apps. Meanwhile, sounds like a much needed opportunity to bridge a gap between the generations.  Jana, I am waiting at the half way mark, phone well out of sight. See you on the bridge.

Blog/

Kicking the Comparison Habit

Today while with my personal trainer, Laura, I noticed a younger woman with her trainer lifting some pretty heavy looking weights. And suddenly I felt guilty for moaning about the seven kilogram (15 lb) weight I had used to do split squats, but the rush of emotion didn’t stop at guilt. It hurried to something else that can be even more of a confident buster than guilt. Yep, you guessed it—the comparison narrative.

“She is much younger than I am,” I said to Laura.

“We don’t do comparisons in here,” Laura replied on automatic pilot.

Only then did I realise that as confident as I can be about many things that I do, whether working out, writing, podcasting or even driving, I find myself falling into a comparison narrative, even if it is only with myself. I thought I had squashed this narrative years ago.

When I was a teenager, I remember entering the 100-yard dash race during a field day at school, favoured to win. Back then I was quite a flier and could out run just about any boy or girl my age or even a bit older. But when the whistle blew, I stalled. I didn’t have the confidence in my ability to win. I have never forgotten.

And now that I look back on it. I think it had to do with comparing myself to the other girls in my class. Those who were athletes were arguably competitive and rightly so. They were confident in their games, whatever that was. But I, who had only displayed my athletic ability at church picnics, at home and so on, compared myself to them and didn’t measure up. There went my high school, college and life interest in becoming an athlete.

And over the years, when the comparison narrative has cropped up, pushing me away from something, I have managed to put it in check, particularly to do with writing. It was only today that I realised that though it doesn’t rear its pushy head aggressively the way it used to, it turns up subtly and in the slightest way can knock my confidence.

So just remember teen girls, when you find yourself comparing yourself, your abilities to someone else, put it into perspective. There’s only one you and all you can do is be the best you can be. No one else can do that. That takes trusting in your abilities, whether that’s in academics, sports, drama, life. That takes confidence.

Wear it and wear it well, like you would protective gear for inclement weather, to paraphrase Cheryl Grace, guest on Episode 1: Your Confidence Inside Out. Listen on iTunes. As for me, so much for paying attention to others while training. It’s all about me next Tuesday. But don’t tell Laura. We wouldn’t want her comparing, now would we.

 

Blog/

Why Talk About Sex and Sexuality?

Since I launched UIO, I have talked to many folks about sex and sexuality. The most in-depth conversation was for Episode 8: On Sex and Sexuality with Rachel Gardner, founder of the Romance Academy, who like me advocates focusing on building relationships and learning more about yourself before making pre-mature decisions about sex.

A non-starter, right, considering all the nuances in the air, whether in music, film, at school or just in the community, seemingly sex has become the biggest part of everything.  Recently, someone said to me: all teenagers have sex.

No wonder in one of my latest conversations on the topic, a parent said that when her daughter turns 16, she plans to put her on birth control. She simply is not going to trust a 16-year-old.

What does trust have to do with it? I asked. Surely birth control isn’t the answer. What about talking, sooner rather than later, and then if birth control is in order, fair enough, along with protection against diseases. But what about a real conversation to put it all into perspective—the good, the bad, the indifferent.

With scepticism in her voice, she pretty much fobbed me off. That got me wondering why it is so difficult for parents and teens to have a real conversation about sex, the hottest topic on the planet.

When I was a teen, though I enjoyed talking to my parents about a lot of things, asking all sorts of questions about the world, I never broached the topic of sex and neither did they. Though it was there, you couldn’t ignore it, it was a taboo subject. Others around my age, whether from a liberal or conservative household, shared similar stories.

One acquaintance confided that her mother’s parting words to her when she moved out were: “Don’t get pregnant,” though they hadn’t talked about sex previously! Another said, though she was clearly having sex with a boyfriend before she left home, neither of her parents mouthed a word. How was she to take care of herself? She didn’t know what to think. Not to mention other nuances that she had to deal with at school and so on.

Similar stories have been confided about sexuality, too, whether the topic has either been ignored or squashed. End of story.Actually not. Not having real conversations with guardians about tough topics such as sex and sexuality is often the beginning of difficult times. There are many reasons why it is important to talk about such topics, including avoiding conflict, stumbling into harmful situations, suffering unnecessary consequences, building trust and so on. Okay, but whose responsibility is it to broach the heated subject?

Parents are the adults in the situation, in charge of the household, right. Surely, they ought to bring it up. Imagine rushing in from school, throwing off your backpack and pulling up at the dinner table to be eyeballed by one or both of your parents, followed by a wry smile and then the dreaded words: “We need to talk about sex and/or sexuality!”

I suspect I would have wished for the floor to swallow me up than to reveal my real feelings on the matter. But I do remember somehow understanding the lay of the land and as a teen my passionate views didn’t always comply. In such a scenario, my defences might have gone up, certain that the talk could only be one sided.

So, what about the option of bringing up the topic yourself?  Not a chance, right, particularly for someone who has a question of sexuality with fears of facing unaccepting guardians and wider family. In this instance, it might be the parent who wants the floor to swallow them up.

Though both scenarios are less than ideal, the key is that parents listen to their teens, their desires, their hopes, their fears, and visa versa that teens listen to their parents, their desires, their fears, their hope, both with respect to values and morals but without judgment.

It is a tall order but it eliminates rejection, which leads to isolation, depression even suicidal thoughts. Make no mistake about it, I am not advocating a green light for teens to do as you please, but I am proposing a green light that affords you to bring any and everything you have to someone who has your best interest at heart, talk about it.  In Episode 6: Your Mind Inside Out, psychotherapist Jane Goldberg talks about the importance of talking about all feelings, good and bad.

Also, talking openly and honestly educates and informs for better decision making. There is so much focus on the physical consequences of pre-mature sex, that little is said about the mental pitfalls, of which there are many. Check out Episode 8 for more on this.

Finally, talk helps growth and development, puts you in touch with values, who you really are, what drives you. Just remember conversation is a dialogue and a good exercise in listening. It requires a bit of patience, too, as does life. Still working on that one.