Month: March 2025

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Why I Bother to Drive

Monday mornings in west London are bustling with road users, lorries dropping off loads, blocking the roads, motorists, cyclists and heavy sidewalks of pedestrians, the odd one or two spilling onto the streets, all amid road works. Great, pretty much the only day I take the car out on cue. Sometimes I wonder why I bother.

In short, it is the most convenient way for me to get to my weekly hair appointment. And the truth be known, it gives me an opportunity to do some character analysis and character building.

Behind a steering wheel, I continue to learn a lot about myself, some of it is admirable and some, well that is the part I need to keep working on. That is where the character building comes in.

But first the admirable part. I feel incredibly independent when I am driving, but not at the expense of others, more on that later. The point is this sense of independence is indelibly linked to my self-esteem. I hate hailing taxis, and I am not so mad on the London Underground either. And with a broken toe, my ability to walk long distances has been put on ice but that is another blog.

No wonder I didn’t hesitate to get my UK license when I moved country’s nearly 30 years ago. Already driving for nearly 20 years, I thought my transition would go without a hitch. It did not. One failed practical test after a major fault, cutting someone off at a roundabout, and a few fender benders later, I felt traumatised but if I was going to hang on to a shred of my independence, after all I had left life as I knew it behind in the US, I needed to keep driving. So, I did.

Alongside maintaining my sense of independence, driving had already taught me some of life’s most important lessons, including how to manage a crisis, (okay, I worked in crisis management for years in New York but driving came first). Anyhow, possibly the first accident that I had as a driver involved skidding and hydroplaning. The lesson: do not panic. Control what you can and let go of the rest. Fair enough, my father, the chief defensive driving instructor for the Marines stationed in Albany, Ga, at one of the country’s largest logistic/supply bases, might have helped with the lesson but either way it came through driving. 

In addition, driving continues to help me understand the importance of interdependence. Sure, independence is great, but we cannot live in this world alone. Furthermore, driving keeps me reaching for that illusive concept of patience, no wonder I keep driving. But before you judge let me be clear, I do not do road rage, though I am provoked regularly, speed demons tailgating in a 20-mph zone, laying on their horn and all the rest. And cyclists, need I say more. Whatever happened to obeying the traffic laws and riding in the lanes that were built especially for you. Never mind, pedestrians wandering in the road aimlessly and sauntering across a motorists’ green light.

Thankfully, I am a seasoned, quite skilled driver who handles it with tact, most of the time. Here is the thing, we need each other to use the road, safely, right? So why not yield to the lessons that life is throwing at us?

Recently, after an onslaught of hazards that came to a screeching halt in backed up traffic, I let out a sigh and mumbled that I was tired and would no longer moan or be goaded into aggression. Suddenly, my car went into action, announcing loudly the energising programme that I did not even know we had. No kidding, my seat went into a lively, sports massage with blue lights flashing all around. It was terrifying. Thankfully, it responded as swiftly to my command to stop as it did the inadvertent one to start.

Honestly, this was a test of patience–AI spying on me. Trust me, I have come a long way in this area, though I still have a long way to go. I am a work in progress but if I keep driving, I have a feeling I will get there. That is why I bother.

 

 

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Know Your Big Red Buttons

I have always known that effective communication is important—it’s one of the hallmarks of a healthy relationship, of course. No matter who the relationship is with—spouse, partner, friend, child, parent, boss, hairdresser and so on.

But it is only recently that I realised that good communications, when it goes awry, bad communications that is, is one of my Big Red Buttons. Apparently, we all have them, the things that get the nerves in a tailspin. You know what I mean. And once that button is pushed, a sort of neurosis likely follows.

For example, a strew of ignored messages and emails, unanswered calls and pretence that it is normal behaviour puts me into an unhealthy space. Metaphorically, my head begins to let out steam like Fred Flintstone in the Flintstone’s cartoon when he was angry. And the mind gets unbelievably imaginative.

The said person is branded rude, inconsiderate, selfish or even flighty at one end of the pendulum, and at the other end, it is about me. What have I said or done to deserve this disrespect? When that train of thought loses steam, I begin to worry about the person. Do they have problems more alarming than my Big Red Button.  Sure, they do, otherwise they would not be behaving so badly, right. That is when pity sets in.

But it’s all speculation. The facts are the facts. They did not write, call or communicate, full stop. Is their behaviour reasonable, is it right? Of course not. In a morally conscious culture, all these things are counterculture.  But to hit people over the head with information they already know, while allowing it to consume your mind, is tiring and quite frankly, a nuisance to you and only you. I should know.

At its extreme, obsessive behaviour can cause real neurosis or at the very least, disrupt the flow of peace within, making it hard to enjoy life and deal with the challenges that really matter, like good behaviour and effective communication.

So, what do you do?  First, know your Big Red Buttons and watch them closely. Next, call out the behaviour but that does not mean leaving curt messages or telling the person off. And you don’t go awol either. Trust me I have thought about all the above.

One mind expert tells me, give them a chance to escape. As mentioned, they too know it’s wrong. For this to work, however, you must have a strong foundation where there are spoken or unspoken moral codes. Otherwise, you get rubbish responses such as that is your truth, not mine. If that is the case, run. You won’t be able to control your button.

But if the relationship is a keeper, show you are concerned and try asking questions like: Are you okay? Is all well with you?  Why didn’t I hear back from you? That is not naming and shaming bad behaviour, it is putting it in the room, making it tangible while leaving the judgments out the room.

Solved, right. Wrong! Finally, if it continues to happen, my expert reminds that taking a firm approach in a calm state of mind, (not when the Big Red Button is still flashing) is preferable to a heated row or bottling it in and at some point, exploding or imploding. You might even be able to make light of it to find perspective.

The key is you want to keep the relationship healthy and if you get that point across, your Big Button Red Button is unlikely to ignite, nor will theirs. In the meantime, remember, we all have Big Red Buttons, and life pushes them from time to time but when they are alarming all the time—it is time to get to know them, monitor them closely and finally exercise some control over them.

Suddenly, life will feel a lot healthier. Count on it!