Category: On Life

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Don’t Forget To Put On Your Own Oxygen Mask

As I listened to some touching stories on the morning news of young people who are caring for adult loved ones (thousands are doing so) across England and Wales, I was reminded of how serious the business of caring really is and the impact it can have on well-being both physically and mentally.

Thankfully I didn’t face being a carer until I was nearly fifty after my father-in-law died and my mother-in-law came to live with us. Make no mistake about it, we wouldn’t have it any other way.

And though my husband insisted that we hire a carer to provide support, I took care of her primarily, night and day, and since then have been coined the most qualified unqualified nurse for miles around, looking after my mother until she died, with the help of siblings and a care team, and now I’m definitely one of the key carers in my father’s corner.

Like young carers, I feel blessed to have the opportunity to care for loved ones.  At times I have found myself doing little else but offering care, whether that is researching an illness as well as healthcare, spearheading communications with family members and care providers, managing special diets from making menus to cooking, cleaning, liaising with medical providers to schedule appointments and sadly starting a fire or two along the way, if you will, to get something done, and snuffing out others that have been unhelpful to the cause.

It’s an exhilarating yet exhausting responsibility to be a carer. On the one hand, I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to help create a better quality of life for my father, to give back to him, to keep him as healthy as possible for as long as possible. On the other, I don’t like talking about the exhaustion; it seems to defeat the purpose.  It feels a bit like moaning.

But here is the thing, it is crucial to mental well-being to take care of one’s self, even while caring for others. Make no mistake about it: I am not offering a green light for complaining and having a gripe session about all you do and so on. But what I am saying is don’t forget to put on your own oxygen mask  first! Without it, you cannot care for another.

In all of my care responsibilities over the years, this has been key to avoiding emotional tiredness, sadness, depression and even anger and frustration. But what does it mean to take care of one’s self while taking care of another?

Surely, we are given strength to rise above feeling tired or having needs, if only for a short while. We are not! Many carers find this out the hard way, making full-time care their norm and only fitting in living as and when they can to their own detriment and  risk becoming disgruntled or worse yet, ill. But take a few tips from me; there is a happy medium!

 

  • Shed the guilt. It is dead weight not only for you but also for the person you are assisting. Everyone needs self-care. You don’t need to feel guilty about understanding the importance of self-care.
  • Eat right, otherwise, both mental and physical health are compromised. So, while making a meal for your loved one, make one for you too. Avoid the crisps and soft drinks on the go. And the chocolate, too!
  • Get some sleep and that means more than a wink or two here or there. Sleep is so important to feeling refreshed and to thinking as Nicola Morgan points out in UIO: Your Online Wellbeing Inside Out.
  • Accept help! Sometimes it seems like no one wants to help, but most family members, neighbours and friends can and are willing to do something. They can’t always commit on the level you can, but many people are willing to pick up groceries, come around for a visit, take your loved one to a doctor’s appointment and so on. Also, don’t forget about the charities that offer support to carers.
  • Take a break! This is often called respite care. For me this came with having a carer come in, freeing me up to do other things. For others it has meant giving their loved one an opportunity to do something social perhaps during a day programme or something similar.
  • Live life! Don’t allow the wonderful concept of caring to rid you of living. Being altruistic is a good thing and makes us feel good about life, but if that is all we do, without reference to living, it doesn’t feel altruistic anymore. So remember the space you are in and that caring doesn’t have to be all-consuming. It can be a wondrous experience, creating precious memories and a lasting bond between you and a loved one.

In the meantime, remember taking care of yourself is like putting on your own oxygen mask first in the event of an emergency. It can be the difference in a healthy experience for both you and your loved one.

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UIO Launches New Podcast Series

Kicking off UIO’s new podcast series, I have a fantastic conversation about identity with Rachita Saraogi and Rebecca Thomson, co-founders of Sisterhood, a social enterprise about turning girl’s self-doubt into self-confidence through creativity.

Out today, Series 2: Episode 1: Your Identity Inside Out delves into questions that often arise during adolescence. How to deal with gender stereotypes and so on. Also, the podcast offers lots of tips on how to tap into your girl cell and use it as your super power.

Intriguing stuff! And that’s not all. To listen, download a feed reader and sign up for my rss feed here. Also, listen on iTunes, Spotify, Tunein, Stitcher and Soundcloud and check out our Twitter, Instagram or Facebook page, all @uiopodcast.

In the meantime, not only do we have another exciting line-up of fabulous guests this season, we have also taken to the studio to improve the sound and overall production quality of the podcasts. Some of the episodes are taped in Maple Street Creative in Central London and others in the White City Place podcast hub in West London.  It’s all about making better podcasts for you.

On that note, coming up in two weeks is Episode 2: On Undiagnosed Mental Illness Inside Out with Eleanor Segall, writer and expert on mental illness. Stay tuned!

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The Spirit of Identity

Embrace your identity uiopodcast

Identity is one of those things that is always there from birth–we get many tags if you will–a gender, a race and nationality, a weight, a health check and eventually a name and all sorts of abilities and so on. Still, as if it has never been there before identity, as a huge concept, pops up on the teenage radar screen with blinking red lights: Warning! Warning! This is your gender, your sexuality, your race, your ability and here is what it means.

The pressure is on to identify with different parts of you and if there is an internal clash or negative connotations about something you identify with, this can cause problems.

More on this coming in our UIO: On Undiagnosed Mental Illness podcast with Eleanor Segall.  In the meantime, however, it is important to make the point that identity and mental health are linked, if only because clashes and negativity can cause anxiety, worries and so on.

In some instances, anxiety and stress can escalate into depression, even self-harm. And even in the majority of instances when it doesn’t escalate, the stress over identity is to be taken seriously. At the very least, bad moods and low self-esteem can set in.

And though it is easy to say don’t worry about it, that is easier said than done. It has taken me many years to really understand this and even now I have my moments. Rachita Saraogi and Rebecca Thomson, in our upcoming UIO: Your Identity Inside Out podcast, advise not owning the negativity, leaving it with the people who perpetuate it. You might not be able to change them, but you can change your views on how you view yourself, who you are.

That’s the spirit!

Reflecting on my teenage years, I remember obsessing a lot about hair— its length, its texture and so on. While I can’t say that I have ever consciously disliked my hair for its texture or length, I was not immune to beliefs about Afro hair, if you will, the talk about good hair and bad hair.

Admittedly, there were times in my life when I wanted a certain hairstyle because it was popular and considered the highest mark of beauty. For example, long straight hair was the in thing but as I wasn’t in charge of my hair, my mother was, I didn’t get it.

I doubt if it had anything to do with the political belief that relaxed hair is somehow symbolic of a European standard of beauty. Her reasoning more or less had to do with growing up too fast and economics.

Nowadays, many teen girls have returned to natural hair, as part of a resurgence of the natural hair movement in black communities around the globe, which proposes that hair is healthier for the individual physically and mentally in its natural state.  Furthermore, some believe that natural hair suggests a stronger sense of identity with one’s heritage and straight hair suggests the opposite.

Though I don’t agree with the line of thinking, I think it is wonderful to see teen girls and women with Afro hair in its natural state—the ponytails, the braids, the Afros, but just the same I love seeing hair in all of its versatility as long as it is healthy and well maintained.  That is what is key for me and mainly why I continue to relax my hair—it is either for me to maintain, though I have worn braids over the years, returning my hair to its natural state and in high school, I sported an Afro.

Regardless of style, I identify strongly with my hair and what I have learned about this over the years is that it is mine, part of my beauty, part of my health, and rightly or wrongly it is a big, big, big part of my self-esteem. Thus, regardless of trends, movements, beliefs, politics, I need to be happy with my hair—not the world.

And nowadays, I don’t make any excuses or apologies for that. End of story. Underneath the hair is where my real identity lies and it is up to me to embody that. That’s the spirit!

 

Stay tuned for UIO: Your Identity Inside Out podcast coming soon.

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Dating: No Need For Head Over Heels

I can’ t ever remember not having a romanticised view of dating. From fairy tales to music, storylines and lyrics are loaded with messages about the perfect partner. Over the years, finding Prince Charming, AKA Mr Right, has been the topic of loads of conversations and not just mine. Filmmakers, for example, widely use the topic for their romantic storylines:  My Best Friend’s Wedding, Pretty Woman, Titanic, Broke Back Mountain and Something New, a more niche film about interracial relationships. The list goes on with hints that there is someone (and I stress one) for everyone, and when you find that one, love will conquer all of the obstacles–jealousy, class division, homophobia and even racism and the likes of its close cousin colourism. Also, it will stamp out self-esteem problems.

Far be it for me to be pessimistic but here is the thing—the notion that there is only one perfect person out there for each of has to be wrong. First things first, there is no such thing as a perfect partner. Really!

Therefore, pursing an unrealistic goal as if this is the ultimate life goal can be self defeating. So then how do you approach dating?  For starters, it helps to understand that every relationship, every friendship is not a means to an end says founder of The Romance Academy, Rachel Gardener, our guest in UIO: On Sex and Sexuality. Dating is as much about learning loads about yourself as is about learning to relate to another person.

Oops, I didn’t get that memo back then but it is nice to have it now. In those days it was all about ticking boxes. Needed to be popular, somewhat smart but didn’t matter as much if he was the star athlete. Other people around me looked at economic status, even race and religion to name a few. And then there was something about happiness in the pile, as if another person held the key to it.

Somewhere along the way I discovered that finding a suitable partner is not about rushing in ‘heels over head’ in the name of finding the one and only person. The good news is that dating, though daunting at times, presents an opportunity to make friends, to build character, have fun and to grow by leaps and bounds.

What does that have to do with my life you might be thinking through tears as you read this, having been dumped by the love of your life or forbidden a love, if you will, due to sexuality, for example.

Evidence tells us that few school relationships lead to life partners. There are exceptions but hooking up with a one and only early in life is not the rule. Still, making friends of the same and opposite sex while young is so important to learning to get along with others, to relate, to tolerate other opinions and other ways of life without the filter of looking for a life partner.

In those friendships, whether there are romantic ties are not, as mentioned you can learn a lot about yourself and other people, too, such as the importance of having boundaries and respecting them, keeping confidences, becoming trustworthy and trusting another person, and finally learning to love others and more importantly learning to love yourself.

Now on the romance of it, teen dating need not necessarily lead to sex. I say this because so often the belief is that it will inevitably, hence the warnings of the physical downsides of indulging unsafely—early pregnancies, STDs and so on. However, without reference to the emotional consequences of pre-mature sex—how sex is tied to deep communications and therefore self-worth—it continues to be glammed up as long as it is safe.  The truth is that without maturity, commitment, understanding and love, it can do more harm than good, as well.

As for sexuality, there tends to be a belief that sex, if only via a strong attraction, affirms sexuality. Not necessarily: data shows that as people are growing up, we might have strong feelings for people of the same sex or the opposite sex but that doesn’t define our sexuality. People change. Some might argue all the more reason to explore.

My advice is to ‘wait awhile’ and get to know yourself, learn to relate to other people, have fun dating, growing and learning. While it’s not about diving in ‘head over heels,’ as the cliché goes, it is not about approaching dating ‘heels over head either’. Literally, we stand on our heels, not our heads. As for our heads, we use them wisely. Enjoy!

More on dating to come in our upcoming podcast, UIO: On Dating Inside Out. Stay tuned.

 

 

 

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Lifting the Cloud of Stigmas Over Mental Illness

As a teen I remember knowing of a woman in the community who had some type of mental illness, specifically what I don’t recall ever being told. However, her illness was evident in the way she walked around in a muddle, sometimes ambling along and talking to herself. Hardly ever did I see her engage with anyone or anyone try to engage with her. The spoken or unspoken word was that she was crazy and that was the sum total of it.

At the risk of judging, I don’t remember anyone openly talking about what that actually meant and trying to help, but I do remember that she was stigmatised. Admittedly, she was sometimes treated with compassion but to my mind it was an alienated concern, if you will.

And although so many people are coming out of the closet nowadays to discuss mental and emotional health, hurray, I think there is still quite a bit of work to do to lift the cloud of varied stigmas hovering over mental and emotional health problems in some particular groups and communities.

In my own experiences two of the communities that I belong to—the Christian and black American community—are making strides when it comes to managing mental and emotional health problems but there is still room for improvement.  People such as Derrick Hollie, President of Reaching America, are sharing their own experience in hopes of eliminating the stigmas and saving more lives. His father committed suicide at age 49.

Sadly, his story is not an isolated one. Over the last couple of years, the stories of young black men taking their own lives have seemingly escalated. In the area where I grew up, I have heard of three unrelated cases. And other cases of teen girls who have self-harmed or attempted suicide as well.

And while I know that emotional and mental health issues are human problems, not exclusive to the groups and communities mentioned here, there might be common denominators as to why certain people are slow to get help, though like all the other humans, they are inherently prone to mental and emotional health issues.

As mentioned above, stigmas are one barrier. People don’t want to be alienated or isolated or stereotyped, so they maintain that they are well and their emotional and mental problems become a part of their norms, not only impacting them but their family and friends, too.  And the downward spiral continues. In suggesting help a time or two for people who are really dealing with heavy problems, living in unreasonable situations, the response is often “I am not crazy” and as in the article mentioned above, their religious beliefs, which are meant to be helpful, can sadly hinder healing.

First, owning a mental or emotional health problem is not about internalising stigmas and as for prayer, I pray about nearly everything as I end UIO podcasts with a simple prayer. I firmly believe in its power to shift thinking, to open doors that feel firmly closed, including state of mind. But I don’t think prayer or religious beliefs should be used as a crutch or an excuse to lead a mentally unhealthy life.

Another impediment to seeking help might be denial. I function in my job and family, so I can’t be mentally or emotional unwell. Surprise, surprise, emotional and mental health issues come in varied forms—everyone doesn’t have manic depression or schizophrenia, diagnosed or undiagnosed, that puts them out of work.  Admittedly, however, one’s ability to function optimally is likely to be impacted, no matter what the problem. Though I have had health anxiety for years and at least once had to leave work without my supervisor’s permission., it was not taken seriously. Though my boss was compassionate, others coined me a prima donna.

Back then my health anxiety, as it was when I was a teenager, was called hypochondria, a term full of stigmas. In short, it suggests  ‘you’ve made the whole thing up.’  It wasn’t until I started to have full blown panic attacks a year or so ago, perhaps after my mother’s death, that I was diagnosed with health anxiety. Unbelievable how real the physical symptoms are and how the mind takes over. But knowing the real deal helps me to cope and manage the situation. And I don’t care if I ever hear the word hypochondriac again. It is misleading.

Finally, yet another hindrance might have to do with resources. Particularly in small towns or villages, you might find it hard enough wading through the stigmas and accepting that there might be a problem in the first place, but if there is no help on the horizon, you might say why bother. The short answer is: it is the difference between being healthy and unhealthy.

Nowadays there are trusted resources online to begin with, which might offer referrals. Note that I am not promoting self-diagnosis and self-treatment but here is what I am saying: when something is not right mentally and emotionally, get help as you would for a physical problem. A tall order perhaps for a teen girl but not impossible. Resources include parents and guardians, teachers and coaches and peers. And remember that treatment is individual, as it is  with a physical illness.  Anti-depressants, for example, are not necessarily right for everyone. I declined. But for others, they provide a reasonable solution under a physician’s care.

It is all about lifting the stigmas and finding the way to healthier thinking, healthier living. It’s all about you inside out. Stay Tuned for UIO: Coping with Undiagnosed Mental Illness with journalist and mental health campaigner Eleanor Segall, coming this autumn.

 

 

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More To Identity Than Meets The Eye

There is so much to identity that does not meet the eye, yet it is what meets the eye that often describes who you are, at least to others—an African American teen girl or a black American teen girl is how I would have been described when I was about your age. And as the eyes swept over me, other factors such as my medium brown skin, the shape of my eyes, the size of my nose, and my medium length tightly coiled hair would have given more information in some way or another to the onlooker.

And presto, a peer, the teacher, the coach, the bus driver, whomever was sizing me up, had all they needed to know.  After all I was unmistakably all the things they could see through their filters.

But what they couldn’t see, unless opportunity arose, were the identity markers that are not necessarily seen through the filters that make assumptions and conjure up stereotypes, filters that define, that demarcate.

People can’t see inside of you, how your true self is connected to all the other factors, even in their purest form, without the filters. They cannot see what makes you tick. And may this continue. It is up you to unveil that.

For example, the stereotype that girls are not as good as boys in stem subjects—science, technology, engineering and maths still exists. Inroads are being made to dispel this stereotype and other similar ones but we have a long way to go, as explained in this article in The Guardian.

Anyhow, here is the thing about stereotypes and assumptions, they are illusive and disempowering such as the belief that one race might be superior to another or one gender has more rights than the other(s). There has to be a way around pigeonholing, right. Otherwise, simply going along with it make a big difference in your life experience, the difference in whether you follow a dream or not, believe you can achieve something or feel that you belong.

For me it comes down to writing new stories. But how do we do that?

First, be who you are. Do not apologise! This starts with understanding your history, your heritage, your starting place and being aware of how other people might see this. They are the ones holding the assumptions and stereotypes, not you! Don’t misunderstand, I am not proposing that we all walk around with a chip on our shoulder. It will either get knocked off or weigh you down. But there is a middle ground, if you will.

For example, as a tween, well into being a teen girl I loved activities that were associated with boys, see what I mean by stereotypes. I played baseball, ran, rode a dirt bike, climbed trees and had a boy best friend, who was my next door neighbour.  I was called a tomboy and only the other day fondly remembered those days. Harmless, right!

Maybe but why did I give up all these activities I loved ever so much. I didn’t write a new story. I lived in the one that was told to me, that I couldn’t be a girl and enjoy the same activities as boys. Lesson learned, embrace who you are. Do not turn yourself inside out to be someone else.

Next, don’t let Identity markers hem you into margins. Remember, negative connotations associated with your gender, race, nationality, your socio-economic status, your ability, your sexuality are not yours to own.  Doing so is restrictive.  Such thoughts as I can’t go to this and that school or play this or that instrument because of my….limits you.  

Give it a go, if you’d really like to, and if there are institutional barriers, write a new story. Of course, it is not as simple as that but as the old saying goes, there is more than one way to do anything.  I have seen two examples in the UK where women helped girls set up their own sports teams, one a basketball team and the other football.  Lesson learned, do it your way!

Last but not least, self-love is so important for many reasons but one thing for sure is that when you are living outside of the box, you just might get criticised and not always constructively. Also, you don’t always get awarded for your efforts or the external validation that you think you deserve.  Better to validate yourself, if you will. And I am not talking about bragging or throwing shade on others who perhaps got your props.   The key is to keep improving your game, honing your skills and enjoying the experiences along the way.  Lesson learned here is that learning to love yourself is a survival skill.

In the meantime, consider that identity is as much to do with what you are about (your character and so on) as it is to do with where you are from. And what you are about has a lot to do with where you are going.

Stay tuned for the new podcast series kicking off September 5. First up: Series 2, Episode 1: Your Identity Inside Out with Rachita Saraogi and Rebecca Thomson.  It is all about you inside out.

 

 

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Cracking the Code: Rising Above Odds

Credit: monkeybusinessimages

The line-up for the new podcast series is looking great. We have some amazing guests coming up on various subjects, one of whom is Hannilee Fish, founder of Ikan Health, to talk with us about Rising Above Odds.  I can think of no one better to interview about the subject than Hannilee, who readily shares experiences of a difficult youth and how she overcame. The podcast is slated to air in early October.

In the meantime, I have been thinking about times in my life when it felt like the odds were stacked against me.  One that springs to mind goes well back to my teenage years, preparing for college, now known as university. A bright student, always in the top percentage of the class, though not the top 1% or anything like that, I could not crack standardised tests. There was something about them that left me numb. From the Psat to the SAT (scholastic aptitude test), I had scores that didn’t match with my grades at all. Not only were they lower than what would have been predicted for a student of my calibre, they weighed in highly for getting into a good school.

It seems that my smarts, personality and talent otherwise took a back seat to my lower than desired test scores. There went the idea of getting a higher education at a major university anyhow. After all, my peers were off to the big leagues. And for a girl who Aced her way through three grades of school and pretty much B’d her way through the rest, interestingly enough after integration, it was a hard pill to swallow. What were the odds that one of my dream schools would take me?

I would never find out, as I didn’t try given the peers who did get in had not only top notch grades but also really high test scores and no one encouraged me after the scores came out. Compared to my friends, I felt dumb, which took a toll on my self-esteem. But there was something inside of me that refused to give up.

So I enrolled in a Junior College, something I didn’t feel good admitting to years ago but when I look back now, I see that enrolling in any college was a game changer. From there, I went to Valdosta State University (VSU), where I received my BA in English/Journalism and later would achieve my MA in International journalism and here I am today, still not proud of my PSAT and SAT scores but how much do they matter in the big scheme of themes today?

Make no mistake about it, this is not suggesting a license to fob off tests but here is what I am saying. When the odds are stacked against you, there might be an opportunity hidden in the upset, the disappointment and so on and here is what worked for me.

  • A change of mindset – while I had my mind set on the University of Georgia or something like that, it would never be but as soon as I realised that what really mattered was a good education and how I decided to perceive what was good or not good, I met some wonder professors/lecturers and made lifelong friends and contacts. Proud to be a VSU blazer graduate, as proud as any Bulldog, Georgia Bulldog that is.
  • A willingness to abandon tradition, think outside of the box – Getting good grades that I could transfer worked in my favour. Maybe I didn’t go in through the front door, more like the side door, but I came out through the front, waving my mortarboard with my fellow graduates. That degree not only led to my MA but the opportunity to blaze new trails, like working at the Albany Herald, as its first female black reporter.
  • A bit of new knowledge – Still shying away from standardised tests, I decided to find out why? Was it me or was it something bigger than me? Turns out it was a bit of both. There are people who are better test takers than others but research on the tests offered at the time showed that they were not designed for me and students like me, though some from a similar background made the grades. The majority of us didn’t, however. Later I would write an article for The Guardian on this very thing and one word that I know all too well now, regatta, turned up on the test. Is it a boat race, a bike race or a special picnic in the park? I am sure these were not the choices but the point is, I didn’t have a clue and why would I. In Southwest Georgia, we didn’t have regattas and still don’t and at the time I hadn’t been exposed to literature and history about the famous boat races, for example, between Oxford and Cambridge.

You live and you learn and that is part of what you have to do to rise above odds, as well as believe in yourself and champion the situation to pave the way for others. See it for what it is—a hurdle that can be jumped over with the right mindset, some out of the box thinking and a bit of knowledge. That’s all!

 

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What’s New?

Though school is at last out for most on this side of the pond, it is about to resume for some on the other side. Regardless, you might do with a few tips on online well-being, whether it is to make sure you are doing exciting and interesting things to keep you brain ticking over the heated summer or it is to find a happy medium between your social life, school and family. Our latest podcast is a must listen to over and over again.

Podcasts are like that—keepers like good friends, full of tips, encouragement and so on. That’s why we are kicking off a new podcast season come September, delving into some hot topics and offering lots of need to know info, such as tips on Rising Above Odds.

Whether the odds are stacked against you in academics, athletics, or your social life, you can win. More on that next week as we talk a little bit more about that particular podcast. Also, on the schedule is the huge topic of Identity. Having a strong sense of identity is crucial to high self-esteem and entwined with values. Still, identity can be ever so confusing. Tell you something new, right?  Unfortunately, it is what it is but we can shed a huge spotlight on the illusive subject.

And that’s not all. We will also feature a podcast on Dating this term. Big topic, if I must say so myself. Stay tuned for more on the new series and also announcements of our upcoming guests, all very special ladies who know more than a thing or two about the subjects they’ll be talking to with us about.

Meanwhile, don’t forget that there is still time for you to get your questions in about the new topics or any topics for that matter. Write to me from the UIO podcast page, Send Me Your Questions and get your concerns aired. To listen subscribe via our RSS feed and stay tuned to UIO as we cover topics about you inside out.

 

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It’s Personal: To Share or Not to Share

Online Reputation Matters

Having friends online to share the good, the bad and the indifferent news has its pros and cons. The best part, if you ask me, is being connected to other people, having like-minded people to celebrate with or even to commiserate with during times of needs. Admittedly, however, I am not that comfortable with commiserating publicly, although it works a jewel for some people. I tend to send direct messages if for some reason I am unable to pick up the phone and call or see someone face-to-face. For me the going public with grief  somehow strips away the walls of privacy I need to come to terms with the matter.

Managing feelings when something sad or tragic happens is complicated unto itself without adding the worry of having an audience. I sort of freeze up if you will and can’t process what I am feeling in the first little while and have found it futile to try to express anything sensible to share on or off line.

A few years ago when my sister called me and told me my father had been rushed to a prestigious hospital in Atlanta with very little promise, I reverted to childhood—stopped eating, talking, walking, doing anything. Paul had to call the airline, book a ticket, pack my suitcase and coax me to get up and get ready to get on that flight.

And when my mother died, I didn’t make a public announcement and didn’t want public condolences and to be sure I didn’t get them, I said a quiet word to a friend or two and presto my wishes were respected. Honestly, I felt no judgements there nor have I dished them out on the flipside. For friends and family who are comfy with grieving publicly, there is nothing wrong with that. It’s a personal preference.

Still according to Nicola Morgan, guest on UIO: Your Online Wellbeing Inside Out, hearing sad stories repeatedly, which we do online, whether they are in the news, are our own, or in the newsfeeds of our friends, can drive us down a bit. As human beings, we naturally sympathise and empathise with each other and take on each other’s sorrows. I know I do. And when the going gets tough, my mood swings downward, which not only impacts me but also those around me. Ask Paul!

Taking a tip from Nicola, I try to manage my intake of sad news, which is not always possible if it is happening directly. In that case, like people whose job involves dealing with sad stories all the time, such as therapists, clinicians, people working in war zones, I might consider a talking therapy of some kind.

But where I can control how much sad news I take in, I make an effort, as I did in the days of old before the internet. Then it was the television and the newspapers. I switched off or didn’t read, as simple as that.  Of course, it made me a poor conversationalist at parties and so on but I was perhaps the happiest person there. Never mind being ignorant.

So whether you are happy to share sad news online or not or you tend to sponge it up, how to cope with it, manage it, applies to us all, young, old or in between. But as Nicola points out, sad news can have a bigger impact on the mood, emotional health of a more vulnerable person. And certainly when I was grieving the loss of my mom, I was in the vulnerable group and likely still am.

Anyhow, here are my top tips:

  • For every sad news story, read an uplifting one. And in the time of grief, remember the good times.
  • Offer private messages to friends and family when at all possible. There is something about a private moment that matters deeply. Recently I had the occasion to be there in person for some bereaved family friends that I grew up with and reconnecting offline did us all a world of good.
  • And if you do share your sad news stories, don’t spend oodles of time focusing on the negative, pluck out the positives where possible.
  • And finally, avoid checking to see who has responded and how many people have responded. It’s not a measure of how much people care. That’s personal.

But so is the preference for whether to mourn and grieve online or not. In any case, what matters most is that you protect your mental and emotional health. And that is truly personal. Take care!

 

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Making A Lifestyle Change

At the mention of the word diet, trying to lose weight springs to mind, not to mention depriving oneself of favourite, yummy foods. No wonder a stress quake rolls over the body causing both physical and psychological upset.

Honestly, however, it doesn’t have to be that way. Of course, people diet to lose weight rightly or wrongly, but people also adopt different diets to maintain their health. Some of them are necessary such as special renal diets for people with Chronic Kidney disease, for example.

But you don’t have to have a chronic condition to adopt a healthy diet. All you need to do is to change your lifestyle. This approach cuts out unhealthy dieting, jumping in and out of fads, and yo yo dieting, which takes a toll on the mind and the body.

Still, what does a lifestyle change really mean? In short, it doesn’t mean dieting, but rather adopting a diet that serves you. Sigh, right? When I was a teenager, I might have paused too at such advice. I was not that in to vegetables. And I avoided them like the plague. Being as thin as I was, I concluded that I was healthy enough and ate whatever I jolly well pleased when I was in control. Thankfully my mother was in control at least 80% of the time.

But when she wasn’t such as after cheerleader practice or on a field trip or during or after a game, I piled up on the fast food and so on. So what if an ice cream cone made my stomach hurt or a bag crisps (potato chips) spiked my sugar, putting me in a bad mood, not to mention some of the damage caused by fizzy drinks. But you couldn’t tell me I was not healthy because the thing about being unhealthy versus being ill is that the former has a way of creeping into the norms. You get used to it and only overtime does it become something more–illness.

So how do you snap out of it, adopt a healthy diet for you?

  • Choose foods that serve your body with or without a chronic condition and stick with them. That’s food that taste good and is good! Not everybody can eat everything. For example, I don’t do much diary nor do I do any gluten.  But even if you don’t have any allergies and intolerances, healthy eating is still important.
    • And have I got news for you, according to Judit Ressinka, guest of Episode 2: Your Body Inside Out, it is all about the ingredients, using real, whole food from the four food groups. For on the go, tasty pizzas and burgers just go for the real deal, real meat and whole food ingredients—organic if at all possible.
  • Focus on what you can eat, not as much on what you can’t eat. You’ll be pleasantly surprised. 
  • Learn to prepare and cook simple and easy meals so they are available after school and so on.
  • Choose wisely if fast food is the only option.
  • Drink plenty of water and get those veggies in and fruit, too. I see their benefits now.
  • And by all means, whatever you do, eat! Starvation has no place in a healthy lifestyle.

Adopting such an approach has made a huge difference in my life. Hardly ever will you find me dieting to lose weight. Admittedly, I have been there and done that and didn’t need to. But these days it is about getting the best possible fuel for my body most of the time.  And if I fall off the rails every now and then which inevitably I do, no need to search for a special diet. I already have one. I just need to revert to my chosen lifestyle.

So girls, about your diet…. What does it really mean? In short, a happier, healthier lifestyle now and in the future.