Category: On Life

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Dating as a teen – setting boundaries

I am surrounded by teen girls, not literally of course, but here in Sorrento, Italy, lots of girls from around the world and of course, boys, too are on holiday with their family. Also, teen girls are holding down or shall I say holding up summer jobs, not only at our hotel, but also at restaurants and shops, many of them family establishments.

It is wonderfully refreshing not only to see the camaraderie but watch the girls gain life experiences and skills, which is a great segue to this week’s topic—dating.

Bear with! You might wonder what family and work have to do with dating? Quite a bit though indirectly. For example, learning how to relate overlaps in all three areas of life and so does respecting boundaries and honouring values.

Learning is a big part of growing up and rarely do we think about growth opportunities when it comes to dating.But the truth is: just as we learn all about driving and get a bit of practice in before driving a car responsibly, so it is with dating.

Brushing up on your communications skills while on holiday with family might come in handy. Not only can you practice the art of conversation while talking to parents about new and exciting experiences, you can learn a lot about yourself and others along the way. Just keep in mind that a good conversation requires effective listening, too. As one expert put it during a workshop I attended years ago: to be interesting is to be interested.

That said, you might find yourself interested in things that others simply are not. Happens all the time and as with family sometimes it’s appropriate and fun to try new things and sometimes it simply isn’t. A respectable no is all that is necessary if the situation is not for you or wait awhile. It could go against your values; put you out of your comfort zone.

Knowing where to draw the line teaches the importance of not only having boundaries but also honouring the boundaries of others. Sometimes other’s boundaries might feel a bit like a drag but it’s their space, not yours. For example, I noticed a teen chuck water on his sleeping mother on her chaise longe, after she had been in the pool playing ball with him earlier. She was not amused, though he was. Never mind! The point is at that particular moment, she felt he crossed a line. As for dating, it is important to establish boundaries upfront and to honour yours and the boundaries of your date, too.

After all boundaries are intrinsically linked to values, your own as well as your date’s. So go ahead, enjoy your summer, growing and gaining experiences that are not only fun but will also serve you as you explore dating. For more tips, listen to our podcast series 2, episode 4 – UIO: On dating Inside Out with Cat Williamson. Check out other related UIO podcast, too.

Enjoy your summer!

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Tapping Into Your Values

Most of us inherit values from our parents, families and wider society. But there comes a time when values become up close and personal. We rely on what’s important to us.

Though I can’t pinpoint the moment in my life when I knew what was important to me, my father tells me that even as a kid, some 8 or 9 years of age, I was somewhat charitable. Once I took the pencils and paper that he and my mom had brought for us to school and told the teacher they were for the children who didn’t have any. When the stuff went missing, of course, those unfortunate kids turned out to be my siblings.  I have no recollection of this whatsoever, but Daddy does, as do a a couple of my siblings.

The point is that though my first conscious thoughts of what was important to me in life, likely came when I was a teen, subconsciously my mind was at work much earlier.  Many experts agree that our core values tend to form early on in life and can steer us from the teenage years—often chalked up as a time of discovery and rebellion—to adulthood during the best and worst of times. Thus, knowing what really matters is important.

In our podcast with awarding winning coach Jenny Garrett, UIO: Your Values Inside Out, Jenny points out that it was her strong values that likely saw her through her teenage years. I agree. Often when facing tough decisions or even life changing situations, what it came down to for me was: what really mattered to me, not what everyone else thought mattered.

But let’s face it, what we truly value can get squashed in the minutiae of life. Furthermore, there are more blurred lines today than ever when it comes to values, making it crucial to tap into what matters the most.

Of course, when you’re a teenager, so much seems to matter the most, and it can all feel rather urgent. Upon reflection, I’ve learned over the years that very few things are urgent and there are some steps that can be taken to unmask what is real and what is not.

First, consider Waiting Awhile.  Often letting the intense moment pass sharpens your focus. This sort of tactic might come in handy when under peer pressure to do something that goes against your values. See our Wait Awhile campaign for more tips.

Next, Go with your Gut, not to be confused with the chatter box in your head that says jump on the bandwagon when everyone is bullying the new kid at school. If your gut says give it a miss and welcome the kid, then go with your gut, even if it makes you less popular for a few days.  

Finally, as mentioned in many of our podcasts, find real role models, mentors that inspire you, people whose values are aligned with yours. Learning by association has no substitute and it can work against you, too, so do keep that in mind.

So go ahead teen girls live your best life, knowing what really matters to you.  In some instances that might mean championing a cause, in others it could mean doing something kind for someone you hardly know. In short, it means tapping into your values inside out, regardless of the blurred lines so often above, beyond and around you. It’s all about you being clear.

 

 

 

 

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Support is Pivotal for Achievement

Playing your game

Sadly, I didn’t get to see Cori (Coco) Gauff in action, as we were still in Cannes sunning ourselves and learning French when she made her Wimbledon debut. And when her run ended, I scarcely knew that I was back in England. Still, I caught the excitement, the energy that this dynamic teen girl was creating, not only in London but throughout the world.

This going me thinking about our podcast, On Being A Teen Girl Now.  Of course, not every girl is a sports phenomenon nor does everyone want to be but it seems to me that to be the best at whatever it is that a girl wants to be, it takes a few disciplines—training, practicing, character building, taking it all in and having the drive (the desire) to keep it moving, to name a few.

And according to our two wonderful teenage girl guests of the said podcast, that’s not all. There is something to say about the support of parents and guardians and guides and mentors. When asked what they each needed to make a good transition from being a pre-teen to a teen, both young ladies were quick off the mark with an inspiring response.

For 16-year-old Leah, it had to do with feeling powerful because it was particularly a time of feeling powerless and that not only came from home but from teachers and other adults at her school and for 15-year-old Divaina, it was the support of her parents, particularly her mother, who she was able to talk to about anything. It was having a close relationship where she could express her inner most hopes and desires and feel safe-guarded, no matter what.

To this end, it was wonderful to see the videos and photos of Coco’s parents in the stands cheering her on and the unprecedented support from adults around the world, famous and those not so famous.

How different the world would be, I thought, social media, for starters, if this kind of support was extended to all teen girls. Make no mistake about it, I am not taking anything away from Coco, rather I am giving her a thumbs up for commanding so much respect and gaining enormous support, but I am dreaming of a world, on and offline, where teenage girls can feel this power that Leah spoke of and that Coco no doubt felt and still feels, as well as the support that Divaina needed and still needs unequivocally to be her best in life.

I am not suggesting a perfect world, which is the very idea that teenage girls have told us they’d like to banish.  I agree. But here is what I am thinking: a world in which girls can win and lose, if you will, without the fear of falling out of grace or not living up to someone else’s standards.

This could take a lot of doing but one hot tip that UIO offers is the importance of effective communications. It is a two-way street, Leah reminds. Not only it is important for parents and guardians to offer much needed advise and support, it is important for them to listen to the flipside too. It could make the difference in not only in success or failure but also could have a bearing on a girl’s well-being.

In his play, Cash Cow, writer Oli Forsyth explores what can happen when lines of communications become blurred or cease. His is the story of a tennis prodigy, whose parents push her, even when she doesn’t want to be pushed, and ignore at least one major cry out for help, in the name of winning. Eventually, it all ends in tears.

Though fiction, Cash Cow, raises key points about the importance of the teenager owning the experience. Without having the desire whether it is to become a sports star, a singer, an environmentalist, a teacher, etc, the offerings of support become something other than support.

And as for the power, the feeling of it wanes for the teenager that is and eventually fizzles out for the adults, too.  As both UIO guests touched upon in the podcast, the relationships between teens and the adults in their lives are pivotal, necessary for that powerful feeling to reign, to take you wherever you want to go..

Listen to On Being A Teen Girl Now on iTunes and Soundcloud or wherever you listen to podcasts.

 

 

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All You Need Is A Healthy Balance: That’s All

Summer often gets us thinking about our bodies, mainly how we look and how we feel as we prepare for sweltering holidays and outdoor sporting activities. It’s all about body image but let’s face it: sometimes body talk, including self-talk, can be quite negative from one extreme to the other.

While lots of progress has been made about body size and shape and the thin is in movement doesn’t have as much of a hold on society as it once did, the embrace excess fat (sometimes to the degree of obesity) movement, in the name of body positivity, is gaining steam.

Make no mistake about it, I am all for embracing your body, thunder thighs, love handles and all. I do mine, even if begrudgingly. The truth is, we are all genetically different, but we are all physiological beings. And to stay healthy, we need to take care of our body. We only have one.  That’s all.

Easier said than done, right!  I should know as I still find it challenging to get it right all the time, but what I have learned over the years about taking care of me is first of all, not to believe the hype on either extreme. Next, it is a fact that obsessing does more harm than good, and finally getting it right all the time is impossible.

They key is to finding a healthy balance that works for you but realising that there are some key elements that we each have to consider in making the best well-being choices:

—Food and Drink! We need it to live, no arguments there.  But it is only one part of the story, albeit a big part. To this end, several UIO podcast guests talk about the importance of getting the best diet for you—particularly during the teen years.  In Your Body Inside Out, personal trainer Judit Ressinka offers endless advice on making lifestyle changes that will serve you now and later.

She advises against gimmicks and yo yo dieting and talks about the importance of taking care of your body for the purpose of living life now to the fullest while setting up for the best possible future, too.

Although there is something to be said about the avocado, for example, its healthy benefits and all, Judit points out much to my relief that there is nothing wrong with a good burger or a slice of pizza either, as long as they have the right ingredients. That is key—all ingredients aren’t equal.  And every food is not for everybody.  Find out what serves you and enjoy it.

–Next up is Movement.  We need it as well, but movement is not as transparent as food and drink.  Personal trainer Laura Miles, guest in Your Body Image Inside Out, says that even when negative body image doesn’t manifest itself through eating habits, it tends to crop up in a number of other ways, such as negative self-talk and lethargy.

As such, Laura, who was an obese teenager, says that there is a big difference in truly embracing your body and accepting unhealthiness. In a recent conversation with her, she reiterated the importance of keeping a healthy balance including diet and exercise and just moving around, as well as getting the right amount of sleep, which leads to a third key element for taking care of your body.

–Of course, Sleep is something we know we need, even if we don’t get enough.  I don’t know about you but I am always talking about catching up on my sleep but according to some experts sleep is not something you can catch up on, rather it is something that you manage as best as you can from day-to-day for a number of reasons.

The key one, according to Nicola Morgan, guest in Your Online Wellbeing Inside Out is that sleep informs our health. In short, the brain needs sleep to function.

So, eating according to your health, keeping it moving and managing your z’s will keep you feeling truly body positive whatever shape or size. No need for believing the hype, obsessing to your own detriment or trying to be picture perfect.  Just be healthy. That’s all!

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Keeping Cool With UIO’s Hot Tips

I am in the heat of the moment, literally as I am in Cannes, France, in the midst of the country’s worst heat wave since 2003. Albeit Cannes is hot (il fait tres chaud and if you ask me, trop chaud) at 31 to 33 Celsius, which is 87 to 91 Fahrenheit, it is nowhere near the record temperatures of 45 C (113 F) in one small French Village. I can’t imagine and am prayerful that everyone is able to take cool cover.

Literally, when it is hot, we look for ways to cool down. Thankfully, we have an apartment with an air conditioner, and we are drinking plenty of water, etc… But what do we do when it gets a bit hot figuratively? Ditto! We look for ways to cool down.

Thus, I thought I’d take the opportunity to look to our most recent podcast series, featuring character building, emotional bullying and girls’ rights, for cool tips, though we normally refer to them as hot, sizzling hot, on how to navigate a heated situation.

Here we go:

Our guest for On Character Building, former Paralympic swimmer Elizabeth Wright, says: “Character is an integral part of life. In a nutshell, character is who you are, it is those elements inside of you that are a part of you that develop and grow. They can be parts of your personality, parts that you can pull on when times are tough.”

Elizabeth says there are four categories for building character if you will:  performance, moral, civic and intellectual.  And the key is striking a balance and knowing your strengths, particularly when facing some of the undue pressures.  

In our podcast, On Emotional Bullying, radio personality, Jillian ‘JJ’ Simmons stresses the importance of seeing emotional abuse for what it is, recognising when someone is intentionally manipulating you to gain control.

It sometimes masquerades as love, JJ points out. One of her hot tips for self-protection is to take care of yourself at the core. This means working on your self-esteem and ultimately knowing who are. In addition, she says it is important to watch what you feed your mind.

Easier said than done, right but knowing that you do have rights to protect your mind can surely help.

Our On Girls’ Rights podcast guest, Lindsey Turnbull, founder of Miss Heard Media, points out that boundaries are very important, not only for protecting your own space but they’re about respecting other people’s space, too.

Sometimes the lack of boundaries puts people off.

The key, says Lindsey, is to really like yourself. The more you like yourself, the easier it is to say no to things that don’t serve you, whether it is a seemingly small thing like accepting a salacious comment or a big thing, like going further in a sexual relationship than comfortable with.

Great cool tips for getting out of a heated situation, yeah!

Now about this heat in Cannes. I’d love to take a plunge but as I don’t swim, that could heat up pretty quickly.  Thus, I’ll stay in the flat and keep cool. Stay tuned for more news from UIO, the podcast for teen girls and listen on our website, iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

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Getting The Best Out Of Life

Our latest podcast, On Girls’ Rights, is hot off the press, if you will and full of information on how to get the best out of life.  You have a right to, you know!

Actually, when I was a teenager, I am not sure I did know my rights, such as the right to reject sexualisation, for example.  From boys to men, I have had more than my fair share of unwarranted and unwanted comments about my clothes, my body, etc… And though I might have felt uncomfortable, I have often chosen to ignore the unnecessary nonsense and let the offender off the hook.

Make no mistake about it, I’m not talking about compliments. Those I love! I am talking about cat calls done with a smile. Nowadays, I’m likely to call a spade a spade but as a teen girl, I kept quiet more times than not.

Of course, every situation doesn’t call for action but when it comes to protecting your rights, sometimes you do have to step outside of your comfort zone—you have to set boundaries and honour them.

As our guest, Lindsey Turnbull, founder of Miss Heard Media, points out: boundaries are very important, not only for protecting your own space but they’re about respecting other people’s space, too. Sometimes the lack of boundaries puts people off. I can relate to that. Once I had a friendly neighbour who loved paying compliments and then one day, he referred to a certain dress I was wearing as delicious. Immediately, I stepped back and put up a physical boundary, refusing to make further small talk in any way, shape or form.

No, I didn’t call him out so to speak, rightly or wrongly, but I broke off our informal relationship, if you will. He got the message. His comment not only put me off, it did not serve me at all. Thankfully, at that stage in my life, I was confident enough to understand that he had no right to make such a comment about my clothing. No hemming and hawing or guilt to be felt about extracting myself from an uncomfortable situation. I was out of there.

But when I was younger, I often had similar things said to me or one of my peers as if it was the most normal, healthy thing to say.

The key, says Lindsey, is to really like yourself. The more you like yourself, the easier it is to say no to things that don’t serve you, whether it is a seemingly small thing like accepting a salacious comment or a big thing, like going further in a sexual relationship than comfortable with.

You do have a right to grow-up without so many uncalled for pressures. Check out the podcast for teen girls’ On Girls’ Rights for more advice and hot tips on how to exercise your rights. As usual, the podcast is full of info on how to get the best out of your situation. Listen on our website, iTunes, Stitcher, Soundcloud or wherever you listen to podcasts.

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Nothing Trendy At All About Gaslighting

An age old communications technique is do what you say and say what you do.  Sometimes this is easier said than done, particularly in business, but when it comes to personal relationships, I haven’t really had any problems sticking by the mantra, except a time or two when I meant to return a call because I said I would and failed to do so because something else came up.

I am sure I’m not the only one but consistently saying one thing and doing another particularly when it causes mental and emotional upset to another might be considered a form of mental and emotional abuse, known as gaslighting.

If nothing else, it is bad character for sure.  Anyhow, one article I read on gaslighting referred to it as the latest dating trend. If that is true, then at the risk of being cynical, I am going to suggest that you watch out for the trend.  In no way, shape or form, should emotional abuse be trendy—quite the opposite.

Thinking back to my own teenage years, I do remember being promised a phone call or something or other more than a time or two that never materialised and the person picking up the next day or so, as if this was not a problem.  And interestingly enough, though hurt about it, I don’t remember breaking any deals over this type of consistent bad behaviour, not in high school anyhow. Other girls had the same problem and just seemed to accept it as a norm, too.

Surely later in life, my peers and I got the email, if you will. Call it gaslighting or not, it is not healthy to be caught up in a relationship that puts you down, whether it is a romantic relationship or a friendship. I can’t recall ever thinking the pattern was emotional abuse and the term gaslighting was unheard of, at least by me and my peers.

In our latest podcast, On Emotional Bullying, radio personality, Jillian ‘JJ’ Simmons stresses the importance of seeing emotional abuse for what it is, recognising when someone is intentionally manipulating you to gain control.

In gaslighting, the abuser, if you will, consistently and intentionally causes confusion to the degree that you can begin to doubt yourself. Did he or she say this or did I imagine it? Did I make it up, etc…? Been there done that, I will confess, but certainly didn’t recognise it as gaslighting.

You made it up, the gaslighter will likely tell you and if you hadn’t made it up, you’d be able to prove that I said it. With no proof, you begin to feel a bit low. Confusing, hey. As with all emotional abuse, it’s best to recognise it for what it is, as JJ points out. And as soon as you can, get some help. But if help seems too far away, JJ reminds our listeners about the importance of journaling, writing it down, and staying in a safe place mentally and emotionally, out of the space of the abuser, if at all possible.

In our upcoming podcast, rounding off our short series, UIO guest Lindsey Turnbull talks about the importance of exercising freedoms and rights in youth and that means setting physical and emotional boundaries, even if they are online.  Her point is just as you wouldn’t allow an abuser into your bedroom, don’t allow them into your online space, giving them access to your mind. 

Food for thought as we look forward to On Girls’ Rights with Lindsey Turnbull, out June 12.  Stay tuned and in the meantime, do as you say and say as you do and ensure that those in your company do the same. And when they don’t, well remind them that there’s nothing trendy at all about bad behaviour. Quite the opposite.

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Control What You Can for Better Character

You can only control what you can control.  How many times have you heard this phrase, particularly in the heat of anxiety? Though I have heard it a few times myself, most recently it was in a context that made it far more profound than usual.

While recording UIO podcast’s next release On Emotional Bullying, guest Jillian ‘JJ’ Simmons, made it clear that when it comes to being emotionally abused, particularly in a familiar situation, that you have to dig deep and control what you can.

This got me thinking about character building once again.  Still elated over our most recent podcast  On Character Building with Paralympian Elizabeth Wright, I couldn’t help but wonder what character strengths I recently called upon to control what I could in a bit of a residential quandary.

A day or so ago, I woke up to a beautiful day on my leafy London street, which still counts a bit as being rather central, depending on who you ask, and rushed to pull the curtains back to catch some sunshine. But that is not all I caught. There was an abandoned motorcycle, thrown on its side right out in front of my house. Having been stripped of everything, including its wheels, its license plate and so on, it looked rather unsightly.

Let’s just say as the sun moved expediently behind the clouds, I backed away from the window with an ill feeling welling up in my chest. I didn’t know what to think—had someone done this to a neighbour’s bike or had someone done this elsewhere and brought it to the said spot in front of my house?  Later, I would find that the latter had transpired in darkness the night before. One of our neighbours had heard a fuss around 10ish and looked out to see what was going on and saw a white van in the area. She thought he was parking and had somehow made the noise. She moved on as he sped away.

Anyhow, I told myself that surely the entire neighbourhood was in an uproar over this thing because however it came to pass it was a crime and the evidence was in front of my house. So, I got on with work and thought to myself by the time I leave for my noon appointment, it will be dealt with.  Yep, you guessed it, it was still there when I left to go out and nearly three hours later when I returned, it still had not moved.

Suddenly, my gut prodded me to do something, make a call, anything, and as much as I wanted to ignore it, I knew that it was this same strength of character that had emerged time and again to resolve a dilemma such as this, like the time it brought me peace and quiet in my former neighbourhood, and the endless times it has made the difference in my father’s healthcare, my mother’s and mother-in-law’s, too.

Begrudgingly, I consulted Google, learning how to file a police report online for non-emergency crimes. Done, so I thought, but had a niggling feeling I needed to called my local authority.  Done, for sure now, I thought, until evening arrived when the bike had not moved, so I called the local council again to find that they had indeed attended to find the vehicle leaking petrol.  Yes, petrol. Was I the only one who thought this was not a good sign.

As my fortitude, resilience, whatever you want to call it, rushed in like adrenalin, I couldn’t hang up fast enough to call the non-emergency police number.  After much explanation and determination to hold any anger or caustic words back, I convinced the police to send a few fire fighters, who confirmed that there had been a leak of perhaps oil, so they addressed the matter, standing the vehicle and sanding the hazardous substance, and then said that the council would have to remove the abandoned vehicle.

So, I took a deep breath and asked myself, what can you control?  Though low on patience, I made another phone call to the council.  And as much as I would love to say Eureka, it is all done, I am still dealing with what I can control—outwardly the phone calls and inwardly, I am keeping the adrenalin at bay.

Stay tuned for On Emotional Bullying, out Wednesday. In the meantime, visit our website to hear more from UIO, the podcast for teen girls. We’ve got you covered.

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Out With Caution And In With Compassion and Care

In a catch-up, warm-hearted conversation with two longstanding friends yesterday, my cup ran over with excitement as I told them about the launch of our Wait Awhile video, released yesterday.  The video has already, at least for me, infused new life into the initiative, which was only born in February.  So eager to nurture that life, I was poised for an insightful conversation.

And when the questions rolled in: what is it really about, why are you doing this, etc… I rose to the occasion with ease, focusing on the concerns about the narrowing gap between being a girl and being a woman and what UIO podcast is doing to support girls in reclaiming their teenage space.

And then I made an invalid point that has niggled me throughout the night, and has somehow found its way into this blog, offering an opportunity to not only set the record straight, but also to put my own mind at rest on the matter.

Anyhow, the comment went something like this: you have to be cautious about these things, how you make your points nowadays.  One of my friends hopped right on it and told me rightfully so that my caution didn’t make sense when it comes to our Wait Awhile initiative.  Why can’t you just make it clear that whatever it is you are talking about, whether that’s sex or cosmetic procedures, that it is premature. Mine, of course, is a paraphrase but makes the point.

How refreshing, I thought, and though not defensively but rather quickly pointed out that if I was doing an interview or writing a blog, I would and do cut right to the chase. But when dealing with a marketing tool, one has to open the door so to speak. 

In my mind’s eye. I wondered why I had said that when UIO podcast is built on straight talk, coming straight from the straight talk queen of the year. Me. Me.  Just ask my youngest niece, she’ll confirm.

Though it can be painful sometimes, I do work hard to tell it like it is, particularly if it is a serious matter where the health of teenage girls is at risk. And I have quickly learned that there is a difference between sugar coating and handling with care. I tend to think that UIO podcast, inclusive of Wait Awhile, handles these challenging issues with care.

Our new video is a perfect example of laying out the concerns and facts and looking at why Wait Awhile exists in the first place.  It is not as much about caution as it is care. 

In the meantime, my other friend followed up with the question of how do you engage young people on such tough subjects without turning them off?  For example, if having cosmetic procedures has become a norm, why would girls decide to wait awhile.

That’s when our podcast for teen girl’s slew of wonderful guests popped into my head. Often with honesty and openness and based on their own experiences and expertise, our guests are able to shed great light on dark topics and of course, there is our recent research study that states the facts, as well as many other research studies that are concerned with both the physical and mental health of teenagers, girls and boys alike.

Reflecting on my time with my two dear friends, I was reminded that our video, like our podcast, is a communications vehicle that raises concerns and cautions for us all in our ever changing world, and offers platforms for insight and debate on the topics, but the key has been and always will be addressing the points as openly and honestly as possible and remembering it is not so much about being cautious about what we say but saying the truth with deep compassion and care. See the video on our website  or via  YouTube here . 

 

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Never Leave Home Without Good Character Traits

Good character traits are paramount when it comes to overcoming pressure or challenges. It’s the difference sometimes in whether to give in or stick to our own values or whether to give up or keep it moving.

With the unprecedented pressures on teenage girls nowadays, I am delighted to hear of the return of emphasis on character building. The first podcast in our new series, with Paralympian Elizabeth Wright, who advocates character building throughout schools in the UK, deals with the topic. It is out May 15.

Meanwhile, talking about character building brings a breath of fresh air to the debate on how to address some of the modern-day pressures we all face. Sadly, for some time now personality traits have served as the moderator for what is acceptable and what is not.  And when someone is either out of character or displays bad character traits, we often hear: that’s just the way she is.

Call me old fashioned but I call it bad company, bad character. Surely, it is unreasonable to pass off unkindness, rudeness, disloyalty and the lot as just the way someone is.

When I was growing up, I think the emphasis on character building was still on trend, if you will. It might have been losing its steam, but I knew the importance of good character traits in not only building good solid relationships, but also in achieving success in any undertaking.  Another story on whether I always displayed good character or not, but I did understand it.

If I wanted my parents to trust me, then I had to be honest and if I wanted my friends to trust me, then I had to be loyal. And the one time in my teenage life (surely there have been others) when I wasn’t loyal, I suffered painful emotional consequences seemingly for ages. I won’t go into the situation and hope others involved have long since forgotten, but this betrayal of sorts called my integrity into question. All I will say is that there was a popular boy involved. Never mind.

Anyhow, not only did I take a harsh fall from the throne of grace in the eyes of a friend or two and possibly a relative, I crashed landed in my own mind’s eye. It took years to rebuild my own self-esteem and to forgive myself for the deed, even if it was small. But the point is this: without integrity, I might have never known that I was out of character. 

Good character traits can and often do serve as a radar in relationships. Also, good character traits can see us through an achievement and aid us in the worst of times.

When it comes to achieving, I’ve always been slightly above average and slightly below excellent, but where I sit in the great in between is powered by my character traits of perseverance, optimism, reliability, conscientiousness and self-discipline to name a few. Though I wouldn’t take nothing for my journey, there are bits about it that I didn’t really appreciate–having to go to choir rehearsal every Friday night (okay one or two out of the month), lead a song when I could not sing, and attend Sunday School every Sunday morning and participate in the discussions.

But these activities, like them or lump them, fed into my character and drove me to pick up the phone as a young media specialist in New York City and pitch a story, even if I did dread it; sing from a stage in Poland to an audience, who insisted I had the voice of Whitney Houston until they heard it in song; do the right thing in enormous sticky situations, although I didn’t always feel like it; and most recently dig deep and speak up on a overcrowded broadcast platform, when I felt a bit mismatched.

Through these experiences and others, I have come to learn over the years never to leave home without my good character traits. As for the bad ones, I’ve resorted to waiting awhile to keep them in check and I must say the benefits have been enormous.