Category: On Lifestyle

Blog/

Knowing When to Quit

That’s it I have decided to quit sports.

Shocking for those who know me because I am not an athlete, not the least bit athletic, withstanding training twice per week with my PT and going to the gym for a run on the treadmill. And I am at best a fair-weather sports fan. I can only hang in there when the going is good but when it gets tough, I run for the hills.

So, what is this throwing in the towel all about. It’s about suffering, deeply felt emotions that keep me awake at night and turn me inside out. Let me tell you, this season, if you will, has been one for tossing and turning. I have certainly experienced the thrill of winning and the agony of defeat with people I don’t even know and never will.

Fair enough, when I know the person – it is much worse. During my niece Jana’s sophomore year at university as a leading softball player, known for hitting and pitching, I revved up so much energy and emotions that I would wake up in the middle of the night checking my phone for a word from abroad, anything. And if Jana had a bad game, I had several sleepless nights. Just ask my therapist or even my husband for that matter. It was costly. 

As a result, last year, her junior year, I dialled down my participation several notches. I happily found out after the game was over, sometimes the next day.

So proud of myself, I thought I was strong enough to enjoy a few sports this summer–a live tennis match here and there, a live basketball game, an English football game via osmosis and then the Olympics, a peak here and there—I jumped in this summer, I think feet first.

And all I can say is you would have thought that Taylor Townsend was my long-lost daughter as I watched her play doubles at Wimbledon. Though Taylor and doubles partner, Katerina Siniakova, prevailed and went on to win the final the next day, I was emotionally spent by the time it was all over, and well beyond. Honestly!

I repeated a similar experience with the USA Women’s Basketball Team in a pre-Olympics showcase. They were nowhere near losing when I decided to exit, owing to a palpitating heart. They gave a stellar performance, but Germany had a couple of NBA players who were stellar, too.

Exhausting and the Olympics were yet to come, but before we go there, let’s finish Wimbledon—the Men’s Final.

I outright refused to watch, quite worried that my favourite Carlos Alcaraz, who I sort of latched onto last year in the absence of Rafael Nadal, would not prevail. When it was clear that Carlos was the victor and that the match was about to end, Paul called me in to watch. I showed up and fled quickly after he missed two or three match points. But I did come back to see him recover and wrap it up.

On that same day, England’s Football team lost to Spain in the Euro 2024 final. And here is the thing, I don’t even like football, but like the rest of the folks in the country I had high hopes for the young lads and when they experienced the agony of defeat, so did I, for days.

Now on to the Olympics. What a roller coaster ride for Nadal, albeit it a short one. He exited in the second singles round, falling to Novak Djokovic and in the quarterfinal rounds of the Doubles when he and Alcaraz fell to Austin Krajicek and Rajeev Ram from the USA, my country. Still, I was gutted.

Never mind, I stayed with Alcaraz until the very end, well sort of.  Again, I refused to watch and good thing, I did not. In his rematch with Novak Djokovic, whom he played at Wimbledon, the latter was the victor this time.

Although the win was well deserved, it underscores why I have had to quit sports. Being involved causes too much emotional unrest when the win is not with my person. Never mind that these athletes are strangers.

Admittedly, I have not watched any full sporting event during the Olympics, not even gymnastics, to avoid the racing emotions which leave me exhausted. Sadly, I do repeatedly check the medals tally, mostly at night when I should be lulling off to sleep.

No wonder I’ve quit. I know, I know. Quitting has been given a bad name and likely well deserved when you give up on something that matters, but when it is taking an emotional toll on you and threatening physical health too, kick the habit.

Knowing when to say when can be a restorative thing. I am much calmer now, particularly that the Olympics are nearly over.

 

Blog/

Celebrating Jasper National Park

Our trip to Jasper National Pak happened nearly a month before the out-of-control wildfire hit, destroying some 358 of the 1,113 structures in the town, as reported in a BBC article dated Friday, July 27..

A giant of a fire, it rose some 328 ft. Unimaginable, even to the mind of a novelist, at least this one anyhow. Of course, I prefer to think of the peaceful, quaint resort town bustling with life, exemplar of the Canadian Rockies.

And the astounding beauty that we witnessed driving along the, now closed to the public, Icefields Parkway to reach Jasper. It is still fresh in my mind, particularly the Athabasca Glacier, as is the lovely Fairmont Jasper Park Lodge, where we stayed overnight before heading back to Lake Louise, a beautiful small village in Banff National Park. And the Rockies themselves cannot go unmentioned in a piece trekking the drive to Jasper.

I must have imagined hundreds of castles in the mountains and all the rest but alas there is a real Castle Mountain.

In the meantime, though the fire has left many businesses and residents homeless and laden with grief, the Fairmont miraculously escaped irreparable damage and posts on its website, its heartfelt sorrow for everyone who has been impacted and confirms that though the hotel did incur fire damage, most of its structures, including the main lodge, remain standing and intact.

Ah, the main lodge. That is where we checked in and later had a drink in their cozy lounge and enjoyed dinner in their restaurant.

Though I didn’t post so much as a single photo on social media while travelling, so hypnotised by nature and quite frankly traumatised by the lack of phone service, I poured over my amazing images every evening and sent some off to family and friends in both the US and the UK, who oohed and aahed as if they were there, too.

With them I had much exchange about the beauty of Canada in general, as we took the first week of our holiday in the Maritimes (another fantastic story). Particularly, however, when we entered the Rockies, the natural beauty took on a level that I have only ever seen in Norway. Arguably, Icefields Parkway is one of the most beautiful drives in the world.

I can’t help but feel deep gratitude for having had the opportunity to witness one country’s astounding beauty. In Banff National Park, for example, we viewed Moraine Lake, unmistakably the bluest lake I have ever seen. And the scenery in Lake Louise was phenomenal, too. There, our hotel, where we stayed for two nights, overlooked the famous lake itself.

I have never been an outdoorsy person, as I don’t think cartwheels in the open air in Georgia and sitting in the grass taking in the smell of freshly ploughed peanuts counts. Not to mention the time I abandoned a Girl Scout Camp out in the middle of the night for the safety of my bed. Still, I enjoyed being in the open air and hiking up steep hills to discover more astounding beauty, even if it did feel more like a very cool Autum, when it was in fact summer.

As for the wildlife, we saw our fair share of bears, deer and the odd elk, though admittedly we admired them from our rental car or the safety of a restaurant. These animals are the real deal, so much so that every garbage bin in the park is bear claw proof, locked and only openable by human hands. Took me a while to figure out how to open the thing, admittedly with the help of a Canadian tourist.

Anyhow, it is hard to imagine the smog that continues to hover above the Rockies, masking the beauty and disturbing life that abounds there. It has surely left its mark on Jasper, devastating acres and acres of land and hundreds of structures and broken thousands of hearts.

But from what I gather and read, it has not crushed the fighting spirit of the locals and their fellow Canadian citizens to rebuild and to heal along with its beautiful land.

What a pleasure to have visited and to come away with breathtaking memories. As mentioned early, other narratives unfolded on this trip, too—the Maritimes story is not the only one. We attended the Calgary Stampede. Yes, you read that right, a rodeo in real time and a chuck wagon race too, all organised and powered by authentic professional cowboys.

Watch this space, you will be glad you did.

 

Blog/

Food: It’s Personal

No matter how you look at it, food is personal.  What we like is personal, not to mention what we don’t like. Can’t tell you how many times I have been questioned about my love for spinach. What can I say? There is no accounting for taste.

On the flipside, however, I have been criticized a few times for my dislike of beetroot. Don’t want it anywhere near my plate, except for the one-time Gordon Ramsey dished up some that didn’t taste at all like beetroot.

But here is the thing, superfood or not, food is personal, and it is not just about our likes and dislikes, it also about what our body likes and dislikes.

Not always the same thing, right.  Ever wondered why your friend can munch away at a food that you love, and you cannot. I love apples, for example, but a lovely sweet one leaves my stomach in knots. Never mind!

And remember that anti-acid commercial: I like hot dogs, but they don’t like me, etc…? You get the picture but let me be clear, food doesn’t have to be considered junk food or ultra-processed to upset the gut.  It can be super-duper, like an apple. 

Since last September, I have come to understand that my body has a real problem with digesting certain sugars and what it considers to be too much fibre.  Though I had not understood this scientifically until I started working with a wonderful consultant dietician, I had tried every all the rage diet, most loaded with superfoods, to fix the bloating and all the rest.

But once my dietician got me eliminating some of the culprits and eating less of others, life began to change. The key, however, as I have told many friends and family who see a great change in me, is to get a proper diagnosis and work with a professional. No elimination diet is safe without an expert on board.

Also key, is the personal nature of the matter.  What works for one person doesn’t always work for another. There is no one size fits all approach to nutrition.

The personal approach is refreshing. Though I have always been interested in putting the right foods together for loved ones with special diets, such as for my dad when he dealt with kidney problems, I am on a personal journey nowadays, having worked out that personalised nutrition is not just for people with allergies, intolerances, or other health issues. It is for anyone who wants to get the best out of their body and wants to see it work at optimal level. And that happens when the body gets the right balance of nutrients, particularly carbohydrates, fats and proteins consistently.

Since I have been engaged with personalised nutrition, I have learned that some foods spike my blood sugar, though I do not have diabetes and am not pre-diabetic.  But there is good news, I can eat some of my beloved treats when combining with the right balance of foods and avoid a blood sugar spike.

At the risk of getting too medical, I will leave the science at that, but I do want to say that some experts and non-experts think that if we focus too much on personalised nutrition it might lead to unhealthy relationships with food.

Proponents of personalised nutrition say it is early days yet, however, there is no evidence to support the concerns about unhealthy relations with food. On the flip side, however, there is plenty of evidence to show how personal food is to each one of us.

No wonder eating largely what nurtures me has been a game changer. Make no mistake about it, I still like my cinnamon rolls and croissants. And in a personalised nutrition approach, there is a place for them.  That’s because personalised nutrition is not a diet, rather a lifestyle change.

Not only do I have a healthier gut but lots of other wonderful fringe benefits, too. I am sleeping better. And about that spinach! My gut considers it a booster. And it is very happy to do without beetroot for the sake of my blood sugar.  What can I say. It’s personal.

Blog/

Perspective Explored and Revealed

Thank you so much for weighing in on my perspective blog which truly underscores how easy and common it is to see something in a photo, a situation, in life in a totally different way to someone else.

It all comes down to our personal filters. Having said that, however, not sure what filters I was wearing when I sauntered between the two tectonic plates in Iceland a few weeks ago and something caught my eye.

It was magical and intriguing to see it so clearly – a rather large puppy resting on its paws. 

I had to capture it.  Believe it or not, the puppy was the first thing I saw in the scene and the only thing until many of you chimed in with your sightings. Of course, I understand that it is literally rocks and snow, but my figurative imagination was switched on, as was many of yours when you weighed in. Again, thank you for offering so many different perspectives, though I am still searching for the shape of an antique chair, for example.

See below some of the scenes and sights spotted:

  • Snow on a grave marker
  • Snowy outdoor scene over trees and rocks
  • Snow bunny in a hat (a few versions of a bunny rabbit, including an Easter bunny)
  • Two faces
  • Animal like a lion reclining
  • Forest wooded area
  • Antique chair covered with snow
  • Furniture in a room
  • A lady laying down in the snow
  • Baby Yoda
  • People bowing down
  • Uncared for gravestone
  • Two small puppies or maybe just one small puppy

I worked out later that the small puppy or puppies can be seen in my big puppy’s paw. As one participant said, there is a lot to this photo. It is all what the mind spots. Still, often after someone has spelled it out to me, I find myself saying, ah ha, I can see what you mean.  A close acquaintance of mine said just that when I put before her my tracing of the puppy.

How refreshing to have my perspective seen and heard. It doesn’t always mean agreement but at least it opens the door to new experiences and perspectives.

Truly, I have enjoyed experiencing newness in this one exercise. Hope you have, too. Let’s keep it going, trying to see another’s perspective, particularly for the sake of creating a healthy legacy for living together more harmoniously.

Watch this space for more legacy talk.

Blog/

How to Let Go of Dead Facts for Freedom

While recently attending a wellness retreat, I was asked one of the most important questions I have ever been asked: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be free? True to its nature, my analytical brain kicked in and began questioning why I couldn’t have both.

Maybe I can, who knows, but the point that the practitioner made was there I was on the edge of a defining moment, and I needed to make a choice. Fortunate for me I chose freedom and continue to do so repeatedly.

Let me explain.  While I was free externally and still am, I was trapped internally by various intrusive thoughts, tethered to some strong emotions. And as much as I tried to rationally release myself from the mind chatter and negativity, which was seeping into unwanted and unpleasant anxiety, I was powerless until I fully understood that the thoughts lived in my subconscious mind and it was running the show. 

I had to reach the source–my subconscious. More on that later.  Anyhow, the same person who helped me face this truth has a term for latent, yet disruptive and unhelpful facts. He calls them dead facts.  Let go of them or they will control you, identity, and all.

In hindsight, I can see how hundreds of dead facts have lived in my mind and slyly defined my present and future, too.  But let me be clear. I have not expelled all dead facts, though I’d love to do so. However, being aware of their destruction has redefined how I deal with adversity, how I manage conflict.

There is no point in digging in my heels when I know I am right for the sake of my ego. Just ask a few politicians, celebrities or even friends and family how counterproductive that can be.

Make no mistake about it, I will always seek justice and resolution to problems but doing so is different to holding on to negativity and allowing the situation to become a part of my identity.

So how do you reach the subconscious to let go of dead facts? First, recognise the dead facts for what they are. No matter how right you were and still are, the facts are dead. Of course, it is important to acknowledge the wrong, do what you can to resolve it and then let it go.  Only then can healing begin.

Next, make sure you send the fact(s) packing and not back to your subconscious mind. It will not rest quietly, though it might seem so. Likely it is causing more problems than you are aware of and some of the ones that you absolutely know about and would like to resolve.

And you wondered why that insult that was hurled at you some ten years ago keeps coming back to haunt you. But don’t despair, there are many ways to address letting go of the past such as meditation, prayer, and physical activity like walking, running, and exercising.

Further, there are loads of resources to aid as well, including retreats like the one I attended and highly recommended books and podcasts, too.

Also, listen to your body. Anxiety over the past and worry about the future pushes us into fight flight mode.  And when your body stays there too long, it suffers.  As you likely know, this system was given to us to flee danger and do unbelievable things like run faster, pick up something far beyond our weight and so on. 

It has worked a jewel for me many times and one of them was early 2020 when I got one of my fingers trapped in my father’s garage door. Ouch, ouch, ouch, though garage doors no longer trigger my anxiety. Though I could not get that door to open, I waited fully conscious for what seemed like forever before the fire department and ambulance arrived on the scene and freed me. It was only after I was safe inside of the ambulance and on my way to hospital that I began to feel pain and then zoned out.

Miraculously, my smashed finger did not  have to be removed nor was it broken, contrary to what the firemen and paramedics believed. My fight flight system shut down any unnecessary systems and piped up the necessary ones to protect me. Now, imagine it shutting down systems like digestion unnecessarily on a regular basis. It is not a healthy recipe.  Thankfully, your body well let you know when you are overusing fight flight.

In short, try to eliminate as many dead facts as possible from the depths of your subconscious by using helpful resources and listening to your body for much deserved freedom.

And by the way you might be asking, what does all this have to do with legacy? Glad you asked. It’s all about sharing and handing down positive change, which often means abandoning thoughts, facts, beliefs that hold you back or cause problems.  No better place to start than now, wherever you are.

Blog/

Stepping Into Your Legacy

This year is all about stepping into your legacy.  That could be attending a university that is one or both parents’ alma mater, joining the family business or an organisation that a parent belongs or belonged to, honouring a longstanding value or family tradition, or committing to something that you have always wanted to do.

But let me be clear! This is not about taking on yet another New Year’s resolution. I don’t do those. And it is not something for your bucket list either. Nothing wrong with these concepts but both sweep over me like a gush of hot air and there’s a lot more to legacies than hot air.

Though legacies are often handed down from one generation to another, they are equally as much about the present as they are the future—doing or offering something that has profound meaning and has a longstanding positive impact, not only on you but on others, too.

For many people, a legacy is an offspring, full stop. And for others, a legacy is a business, a financial gift or gift in kind. But legacies don’t stop at the tangibles, they are often intangible too.

For example, my family’s work ethic is rooted in a rich legacy. Many years ago, a staff member who reported directly to me, shared some water cooler talk about my work ethic. People wanted to know where the drive came from and right on cue she said, they are all like that, meaning my sisters and my brother, too. She happened to know one of my hardworking siblings.

I have often thought long and hard about that conversation and it’s true, both my parents were hard workers and got accolade after accolade to this end and on both sides, this work ethic can be traced back to their own parents and so on.

Though they instilled this in us somehow, they didn’t particularly talk about the importance of a good work ethic. They demonstrated the value of it in their own experiences and hence, the legacy was handed down.

Over the years, others have commented on my work ethic and time and again the praise has come from the boss.  Nowadays, I am my own boss and well, the praise has become scarce but change is in the air and the key is commitment.

That’s why I’m looking forward to stepping into my own legacies in 2024, living them fully and leaving good trails behind not only for those who are up close and personal but for all teenage girls and boys for that matter, too.

Watch this space for more on what I get up to this year and hot tips on how to step into your own legacies in 2024.

Blog/

Let’s Talk About Losing: Can We Gain from It?

Believe in Yourself

I know. I know. What a drag! No one likes to lose, let alone talk about it.  But here is the thing: losing is a fact of life, no matter how accomplished you are. You will lose at something—an election, a sporting event, a debate, a board game and so on. Take, for example, the accomplished Scrabble player in our house who has a vocabulary loaded with the English language from various countries and cultures.  He is a shoo-in, right?

Most times but he has lost a time or two to the fledgling amongst us. And as painful as it has been for him, each loss has made him better and harder to beat. I should know. I am the underdog at Scrabble. So how does he do it? He learns from his mistakes, of course.

What’s new, you might be asking? Isn’t that one of those things that we learn in kindergarten–learn from your mistakes. Sure, but perhaps there are a few lessons that go hand in hand with learning from mistakes that we hardly ever implement.

One of them is feeling the loss and bouncing back from it anyway. Yes, it is natural to cry or feel gutted in the immediate aftermath of the experience.  I have seen plenty of athletes shed tears or show their disappointment at losing a game/a match and come out fighting the next day. The point is ignoring difficult emotions can be unhealthy both mentally and physically, so best to acknowledge and deal with them.

However, there is a huge difference between feeling the loss and being a sore loser.  Almost always, a sore loser is too upset to learn from the experience, which is a great segue to the next point.

Let it go! At first, blinded by tears or painful feelings, this might be hard to do but holding on to the past often clouds your view and can lead to depression.  A cloudy view is not a good starting place to learn lessons, even if you don’t get depressed. As a girl, I was a high performing runner and one day at a school competition stalled at the start line and I never let go of that humiliating, horrible feeling. It stalled me forever as a runner. 

That’s why I know letting go is easier said than done.  Doing so often means accepting the situation for what it is, meditating, praying, studying, practicing, overcoming any errors that might have contributed to the loss and looking to the future with belief in yourself.

Most of us either know someone who has done a remarkable job at letting go or have our own personal experience.  I certainly have and have reaped the benefits, for example, in my writing.  And if we don’t have an up close and personal example, we don’t have to look too far for inspiration. Examples that spring to mind are Jennifer Hudson who did not win American Idol but look at her now and Michael Jordan who didn’t make his varsity basketball team. Everybody knows his name.

A third lesson to be learned from losing is to play your own game, even if others don’t believe in you, or you think someone else is better. This means fully immersing yourself into your skill, delivering the goods in flow, also known as the zone. I have experienced the flow as a writer and have watched numerous athletes perform from this mystical place within, which brings the mental and the physical together magically. The key is to keep other people and things out of your head. It is just you.

Another lesson has to do with taking ownership.  Don’t worry about what so and so didn’t do unless it truly is an impediment. Do what you do, as my brother often tells our niece. And I’ll add, get what you need to grow.  

A passage from Michelle Obama’s book, The Light We Carry, in which she complained of a math teacher who struck her as arrogant, sums it up beautifully.

After her mother heard her complain, here is what she said. “You don’t have to like your teacher and she doesn’t have to like you, she said. “But she’s got math in her head that you need in yours, so maybe you should just go to school and get the math.”

Finally, give your all and when you have done that, you have done enough.  In the early days of playing Scrabble, for example, I was a bit of a sore loser.  I’ve come along away.  Whether I win or lose, I give my all the entire game, playing my game, and when it is all said and done, I don’t feel rubbished at all. I know I am enough!

For more tips on personal development, check out UIO’s podcast On Personal Development with Robyn Spens, which is loaded with advice on how to develop your full potential. And for information on overcoming challenges, listen to Rising Above Odds  with Hannilee Fish, who shares her personal story about overcoming seemingly insurmountable challenges.

 

Blog/

Boundaries for Your Best Life Now

Boundaries. Now there is a word that sets the cats amongst the pigeons, particularly for those who don’t really have boundaries or value the boundaries of others.

When I was a teenager, the word threw me into a tizzy, even if I did understand the importance of having boundaries, not only the ones my parents set for me but also the ones I set for myself. Still, I found some of them hard to honour, mostly because of peer pressure, though I didn’t often cave into the desires of others. But when I did, the consequences were longstanding.

Take for instance, the biggest boundary disaster I had during my teen years got me into hot water with my parents and on the outs with some of my friends, too.

I won’t go into detail but upon reflection, had I honoured my own boundaries, even withstanding the ones that my parents clearly set out, I would have saved myself a lot of trouble and maintained a friendship that meant a lot to me.

In hindsight, however, I only have myself to blame. Caving into peer pressure led to being irresponsible and broken trust and broken relationships all over the place. Likely my reputation suffered a bit too.

Though much has changed since I was a teenage girl, such as the widespread use of technology, many of the issues are still the same—peer pressure is one of them.

It is all about being liked, reminds Lindsey Turnbull, guest of UIO’s On Girls Rights. Everyone wants to be liked.

I can vouch for that. But here is the thing: dishonouring your boundaries doesn’t guarantee being liked. It might backfire, as it did for me all those years ago.

It is important to like yourself, says Lindsey, who is founder of Miss Heard Media.  The more you like yourself, the easier it is to say no to things that don’t serve you.  Another way of seeing this is that having boundaries protects you from situations that do not serve you.

Further to this, Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend says in their New York Times bestselling book, Boundaries, that boundaries define us—what is me and what is not me.

This, I can attest to.  After my big disaster, I often had to dig deep and stand my ground if something just wasn’t me and I still do. This understanding of boundaries continues to help me navigate difficult situations. Though I don’t always get it right, being tuned into my own values helps me to take responsibility for my own life experiences.

Nonetheless, taking ownership isn’t always easy. It is much easier to cast blame. It’s this person’s fault or that person’s problem. The flipside is feeling guilt and taking on someone else’s problem. In this case, they likely haven’t set boundaries and you are dishonouring yours by taking on the issue.

Make no mistake about it, friends show-up for friends in need but it doesn’t have to be at the expense of values and boundaries.

According to Lindsey, the key is to self-reflect and review your values, which play a huge role in setting boundaries, as does character. This helps to curate your space, not only online but also your physical space.

Boundaries can be considered in all aspects of life ranging from the content you put online to who you follow online and what you read. You can use boundaries, for example, to block content that makes you uncomfortable or report it is as abuse.  In our On Being a Teen Girl Now podcast, Leah and Divaina talk about the inappropriate content that targets teenage girls about body image. While you might not be able to eliminate it completely, you can honour your boundaries and not read it or report it.

And, understanding that body image is about more than how you look helps you to like yourself more and live out your values—exercising, eating well, sleeping better and so on.

The thing about being young, Lindsey says, is that taking care of yourself does not have to be so regimented. Exercise can be running and jumping in the park or having fun with your friends on a sports team.

In other words, tap into your childhood spirit for as long as you have it, all the while setting boundaries, honouring them, and living your best life intentionally now. For more about boundaries and dealing with peer pressure, listen to On Girls Rights and Peer Pressure Inside Out with Full Circle Author Natalie Savvides.

 

 

Blog/

Making Use of Unwelcome Change

Pre-covid I thought I knew as much as there was to know about change, though I have been accused of not having spontaneity. Never mind! It doesn’t take spontaneity to move from a small town to a big city or from one country to another. It takes nerves and planning, which has been key to my ability to insert change into my life and then manage it, come hell or high water.

And even the changes I did not drive such as a seemingly shift in societal norms the world over or a personal loss, I’ve somehow managed to stay in charge of my experiences to a certain degree, using my resolve, though I have learned along the way that grief doesn’t give a toss about resolve.

Admittedly, getting my head around change has not been easy, but it has been doable, if it meant somehow moving forward.

A former boss of mine used to say, “if you don’t do something to turn your life inside out for growth and development, something will happen to spur you on.” I took her at her word.

But here is the thing about change, it doesn’t always make clear growth opportunities, even when you have spearheaded the change. On the contrary, most times, particularly after a failure it suggests dead end after dead end.  Following a loss, which happens without warning, this is often the case, too.

Take Covid for example. For three years now, we have been waiting for this master of disaster to pack up and leave. It hasn’t and who knows if it ever well; it just keeps metamorphosising, throwing more blockades in the way. What now?

Acknowledge it, learn to live with what you cannot change, make the best of it, and change what you can, we are told repeatedly. Though it sounds crass, this way of life has worked for many of us over the years when we face seemingly insurmountable challenges brought about by change through no making of our own.

So why does it feel so much more challenging now? It could be the fast and furious nature of the change on a global, national, local, and personal scale. It is constant and tends to rob us of feelings of certainty which we need on a primal level to feel safe and well. We are living in uncertain times.

“The only thing that is certain is change itself.” says Anj Handa, founder of Inspiring Women Change Makers and guest of UIO’s How to Use Change for Betterment. That’s hard news, even if we have known this on some level all along. But as it is too close for comfort now all the time, thankfully, there are ways to make use of all unwelcome change.

Alongside accepting it as constant, Anj and I talk about the importance of being flexible and considering the ripple effects that offer positives, if you will. For example, though it was shattering to be outside of the US when I lost my father, one thing that the horrible experience gave me was the comfort that far more people attended his service online than would have ever fitted into the small church he loved so much. He was a great man and deserved a great homegoing.

This has been the case for others too, including the growth of online courses to support mental and emotional wellbeing, as well as marriage and other important causes and issues, for example.

Another way to use unwelcome change is to recognise imposter syndrome and send it back wherever it came from. Often after experiencing a challenge at school, in sports, at work, in our personal lives, we doubt our abilities. I see it time after time when a star athlete, for example, has a bad game, and is moved out of prime position.  Imposter syndrome creeps in. Only when they look for lessons learned and build upon those and go back to their own head and get the rest of us out of it, do they rise again.

Anj points out that even weighing in on an important conversation can be daunting for many people, especially young people, triggering imposter syndrome. Take advantage of technology and write a blog and if this feels too scary, choose an alias.

In a similar vein, when dealing with a change that causes conflict, use emotional correctness when speaking, whether voice to voice or through your writing. Anj explains that this means taking a viewpoint that doesn’t shame or upset people.

This is not always easy when your viewpoint differs from another, but the point is choosing correct language and delivery can be the difference in getting something achieved rather than being misunderstood. Hang on to who you are, no matter how tempting it is to react.

Finally, no need to go at it alone. When change is overwhelming, find a support network and develop your own coping strategy, a self-care plan if you will. If nothing suits, start your own group like the teenager who started Teen Grief Sucks.  And if this is not an option, it always feels good to help others—a neighbour, a friend, a stranger. The idea is to keep moving ahead.

While we can’t predict the future, we can accept that unwelcome change, as well as some welcome, is a sure shot.  For more information on making use of unwelcome change, check out How to Use Change for Betterment.

Blog/

Self-Esteem for Motivation, Self-Confidence for Action

I am not sure I’ve always understood the difference between self-confidence and self-esteem but one thing for sure is that I have always known the importance of both.

When I first moved to the UK, if I was asked once, I was asked a thousand times: “where in the world did, you get the confidence to make such a move. Aren’t you afraid of failing?”

Fear of failure, I often thought, has nothing to do with confidence. But trust in your skills and abilities does. I had relied on this trust when I went to university, when I landed my first job as a reporter, when I moved from Southwest Georgia to New York City, and then when I returned to Georgia to take a job that would send me around the world.

Granted, none of the experiences offered complete smooth sailing but I hung in there, chiefly because I believed in myself. And well, if I failed, and sometimes I stumbled, I would chalk it up to experience.

No wonder I have often been told that I wear confidence in my body language, in how I walk, talk or in how I perform a task, for example.  But make no mistake about it, people with oodles of self-confidence have low moments, too.  One for me is learning to swim—I simply don’t trust myself to do it. More on that later.

In the meantime, however, confident as I might be, I have been told more times than I care to hear that my self-esteem is often lacking. How could this be? Aren’t the two inherently linked.

Of course, they are, as Kai Graham points out in UIO’s podcast: Your Voice Matters.  But they are not one in the same. Self-confidence shows up in skills and abilities to act, to do something like drive a car, play a sport, a musical instrument, bag a job, talk to people, set up a business, learn to swim. You get the picture.

In UIO’s first podcast ever, Your Confidence Inside Out, Cheryl Grace says we need confidence all the time, as much as we need warm clothing in inclement weather. So don’t turn up at your swimming lessons without it, right. And Cheryl never does.  If her own life is a measure of how far self-confidence can take you, then we should all seek it in abundance.

But how do we do that? It is as complicated or as simple as believing and trusting in your abilities, which overlaps with self-esteem, all about how you feel about yourself. Low self-esteem can certainly shake-up confidence. I know this first hand from feeling bad about myself for some odd reason or another, don’t like this or that, which starts the vicious cycle of self-criticism often leading to a downward spiral.

Looking over my shoulder, I can see that such feelings start inside and pull you down faster than you realise. Thankfully, I have managed to recover quickly from any such falls.

Sadly, however, low self-esteem can and often does hold people down. It often lurks in body image, for example, taunting self-belief and directly or indirectly impacting confidence. That is why it is so key to work inside out, looking at self-esteem from a mental/emotional perspective. Several of our podcasts offer tips on how to build good self-esteem, including the two mentioned above, as well as How to Take Care of Your Body During Tough Times with Hope Virgo.

The key is to practice self-love, however that works best for you.  It could mean repeating a mantra each day such as looking in the mirror and saying, “I am enough”, learning new things such as how to swim and testing the waters in small doses, if you will. Got it! Swimming lessons coming up for the third time.

Finally focus on what you do like about yourself and less so on what you don’t. Change what is changeable without compromising who you are or engaging in unhealthy behaviours. Remember, you are enough. As for the things you cannot change, change your perspective.

Once you feel good about yourself, you will intuitively gain more confidence to make new friends, try new activities, master new skills and so on. And remember it isn’t always about winning or losing, it is about having the motivation to play the game and enjoy it!