Category: UIO: You Inside Out

Blog/

Knowing When to Quit

That’s it I have decided to quit sports.

Shocking for those who know me because I am not an athlete, not the least bit athletic, withstanding training twice per week with my PT and going to the gym for a run on the treadmill. And I am at best a fair-weather sports fan. I can only hang in there when the going is good but when it gets tough, I run for the hills.

So, what is this throwing in the towel all about. It’s about suffering, deeply felt emotions that keep me awake at night and turn me inside out. Let me tell you, this season, if you will, has been one for tossing and turning. I have certainly experienced the thrill of winning and the agony of defeat with people I don’t even know and never will.

Fair enough, when I know the person – it is much worse. During my niece Jana’s sophomore year at university as a leading softball player, known for hitting and pitching, I revved up so much energy and emotions that I would wake up in the middle of the night checking my phone for a word from abroad, anything. And if Jana had a bad game, I had several sleepless nights. Just ask my therapist or even my husband for that matter. It was costly. 

As a result, last year, her junior year, I dialled down my participation several notches. I happily found out after the game was over, sometimes the next day.

So proud of myself, I thought I was strong enough to enjoy a few sports this summer–a live tennis match here and there, a live basketball game, an English football game via osmosis and then the Olympics, a peak here and there—I jumped in this summer, I think feet first.

And all I can say is you would have thought that Taylor Townsend was my long-lost daughter as I watched her play doubles at Wimbledon. Though Taylor and doubles partner, Katerina Siniakova, prevailed and went on to win the final the next day, I was emotionally spent by the time it was all over, and well beyond. Honestly!

I repeated a similar experience with the USA Women’s Basketball Team in a pre-Olympics showcase. They were nowhere near losing when I decided to exit, owing to a palpitating heart. They gave a stellar performance, but Germany had a couple of NBA players who were stellar, too.

Exhausting and the Olympics were yet to come, but before we go there, let’s finish Wimbledon—the Men’s Final.

I outright refused to watch, quite worried that my favourite Carlos Alcaraz, who I sort of latched onto last year in the absence of Rafael Nadal, would not prevail. When it was clear that Carlos was the victor and that the match was about to end, Paul called me in to watch. I showed up and fled quickly after he missed two or three match points. But I did come back to see him recover and wrap it up.

On that same day, England’s Football team lost to Spain in the Euro 2024 final. And here is the thing, I don’t even like football, but like the rest of the folks in the country I had high hopes for the young lads and when they experienced the agony of defeat, so did I, for days.

Now on to the Olympics. What a roller coaster ride for Nadal, albeit it a short one. He exited in the second singles round, falling to Novak Djokovic and in the quarterfinal rounds of the Doubles when he and Alcaraz fell to Austin Krajicek and Rajeev Ram from the USA, my country. Still, I was gutted.

Never mind, I stayed with Alcaraz until the very end, well sort of.  Again, I refused to watch and good thing, I did not. In his rematch with Novak Djokovic, whom he played at Wimbledon, the latter was the victor this time.

Although the win was well deserved, it underscores why I have had to quit sports. Being involved causes too much emotional unrest when the win is not with my person. Never mind that these athletes are strangers.

Admittedly, I have not watched any full sporting event during the Olympics, not even gymnastics, to avoid the racing emotions which leave me exhausted. Sadly, I do repeatedly check the medals tally, mostly at night when I should be lulling off to sleep.

No wonder I’ve quit. I know, I know. Quitting has been given a bad name and likely well deserved when you give up on something that matters, but when it is taking an emotional toll on you and threatening physical health too, kick the habit.

Knowing when to say when can be a restorative thing. I am much calmer now, particularly that the Olympics are nearly over.

 

Blog/

Celebrating Jasper National Park

Our trip to Jasper National Pak happened nearly a month before the out-of-control wildfire hit, destroying some 358 of the 1,113 structures in the town, as reported in a BBC article dated Friday, July 27..

A giant of a fire, it rose some 328 ft. Unimaginable, even to the mind of a novelist, at least this one anyhow. Of course, I prefer to think of the peaceful, quaint resort town bustling with life, exemplar of the Canadian Rockies.

And the astounding beauty that we witnessed driving along the, now closed to the public, Icefields Parkway to reach Jasper. It is still fresh in my mind, particularly the Athabasca Glacier, as is the lovely Fairmont Jasper Park Lodge, where we stayed overnight before heading back to Lake Louise, a beautiful small village in Banff National Park. And the Rockies themselves cannot go unmentioned in a piece trekking the drive to Jasper.

I must have imagined hundreds of castles in the mountains and all the rest but alas there is a real Castle Mountain.

In the meantime, though the fire has left many businesses and residents homeless and laden with grief, the Fairmont miraculously escaped irreparable damage and posts on its website, its heartfelt sorrow for everyone who has been impacted and confirms that though the hotel did incur fire damage, most of its structures, including the main lodge, remain standing and intact.

Ah, the main lodge. That is where we checked in and later had a drink in their cozy lounge and enjoyed dinner in their restaurant.

Though I didn’t post so much as a single photo on social media while travelling, so hypnotised by nature and quite frankly traumatised by the lack of phone service, I poured over my amazing images every evening and sent some off to family and friends in both the US and the UK, who oohed and aahed as if they were there, too.

With them I had much exchange about the beauty of Canada in general, as we took the first week of our holiday in the Maritimes (another fantastic story). Particularly, however, when we entered the Rockies, the natural beauty took on a level that I have only ever seen in Norway. Arguably, Icefields Parkway is one of the most beautiful drives in the world.

I can’t help but feel deep gratitude for having had the opportunity to witness one country’s astounding beauty. In Banff National Park, for example, we viewed Moraine Lake, unmistakably the bluest lake I have ever seen. And the scenery in Lake Louise was phenomenal, too. There, our hotel, where we stayed for two nights, overlooked the famous lake itself.

I have never been an outdoorsy person, as I don’t think cartwheels in the open air in Georgia and sitting in the grass taking in the smell of freshly ploughed peanuts counts. Not to mention the time I abandoned a Girl Scout Camp out in the middle of the night for the safety of my bed. Still, I enjoyed being in the open air and hiking up steep hills to discover more astounding beauty, even if it did feel more like a very cool Autum, when it was in fact summer.

As for the wildlife, we saw our fair share of bears, deer and the odd elk, though admittedly we admired them from our rental car or the safety of a restaurant. These animals are the real deal, so much so that every garbage bin in the park is bear claw proof, locked and only openable by human hands. Took me a while to figure out how to open the thing, admittedly with the help of a Canadian tourist.

Anyhow, it is hard to imagine the smog that continues to hover above the Rockies, masking the beauty and disturbing life that abounds there. It has surely left its mark on Jasper, devastating acres and acres of land and hundreds of structures and broken thousands of hearts.

But from what I gather and read, it has not crushed the fighting spirit of the locals and their fellow Canadian citizens to rebuild and to heal along with its beautiful land.

What a pleasure to have visited and to come away with breathtaking memories. As mentioned early, other narratives unfolded on this trip, too—the Maritimes story is not the only one. We attended the Calgary Stampede. Yes, you read that right, a rodeo in real time and a chuck wagon race too, all organised and powered by authentic professional cowboys.

Watch this space, you will be glad you did.

 

Blog/

Food: It’s Personal

No matter how you look at it, food is personal.  What we like is personal, not to mention what we don’t like. Can’t tell you how many times I have been questioned about my love for spinach. What can I say? There is no accounting for taste.

On the flipside, however, I have been criticized a few times for my dislike of beetroot. Don’t want it anywhere near my plate, except for the one-time Gordon Ramsey dished up some that didn’t taste at all like beetroot.

But here is the thing, superfood or not, food is personal, and it is not just about our likes and dislikes, it also about what our body likes and dislikes.

Not always the same thing, right.  Ever wondered why your friend can munch away at a food that you love, and you cannot. I love apples, for example, but a lovely sweet one leaves my stomach in knots. Never mind!

And remember that anti-acid commercial: I like hot dogs, but they don’t like me, etc…? You get the picture but let me be clear, food doesn’t have to be considered junk food or ultra-processed to upset the gut.  It can be super-duper, like an apple. 

Since last September, I have come to understand that my body has a real problem with digesting certain sugars and what it considers to be too much fibre.  Though I had not understood this scientifically until I started working with a wonderful consultant dietician, I had tried every all the rage diet, most loaded with superfoods, to fix the bloating and all the rest.

But once my dietician got me eliminating some of the culprits and eating less of others, life began to change. The key, however, as I have told many friends and family who see a great change in me, is to get a proper diagnosis and work with a professional. No elimination diet is safe without an expert on board.

Also key, is the personal nature of the matter.  What works for one person doesn’t always work for another. There is no one size fits all approach to nutrition.

The personal approach is refreshing. Though I have always been interested in putting the right foods together for loved ones with special diets, such as for my dad when he dealt with kidney problems, I am on a personal journey nowadays, having worked out that personalised nutrition is not just for people with allergies, intolerances, or other health issues. It is for anyone who wants to get the best out of their body and wants to see it work at optimal level. And that happens when the body gets the right balance of nutrients, particularly carbohydrates, fats and proteins consistently.

Since I have been engaged with personalised nutrition, I have learned that some foods spike my blood sugar, though I do not have diabetes and am not pre-diabetic.  But there is good news, I can eat some of my beloved treats when combining with the right balance of foods and avoid a blood sugar spike.

At the risk of getting too medical, I will leave the science at that, but I do want to say that some experts and non-experts think that if we focus too much on personalised nutrition it might lead to unhealthy relationships with food.

Proponents of personalised nutrition say it is early days yet, however, there is no evidence to support the concerns about unhealthy relations with food. On the flip side, however, there is plenty of evidence to show how personal food is to each one of us.

No wonder eating largely what nurtures me has been a game changer. Make no mistake about it, I still like my cinnamon rolls and croissants. And in a personalised nutrition approach, there is a place for them.  That’s because personalised nutrition is not a diet, rather a lifestyle change.

Not only do I have a healthier gut but lots of other wonderful fringe benefits, too. I am sleeping better. And about that spinach! My gut considers it a booster. And it is very happy to do without beetroot for the sake of my blood sugar.  What can I say. It’s personal.

Blog/

Perspective Explored and Revealed

Thank you so much for weighing in on my perspective blog which truly underscores how easy and common it is to see something in a photo, a situation, in life in a totally different way to someone else.

It all comes down to our personal filters. Having said that, however, not sure what filters I was wearing when I sauntered between the two tectonic plates in Iceland a few weeks ago and something caught my eye.

It was magical and intriguing to see it so clearly – a rather large puppy resting on its paws. 

I had to capture it.  Believe it or not, the puppy was the first thing I saw in the scene and the only thing until many of you chimed in with your sightings. Of course, I understand that it is literally rocks and snow, but my figurative imagination was switched on, as was many of yours when you weighed in. Again, thank you for offering so many different perspectives, though I am still searching for the shape of an antique chair, for example.

See below some of the scenes and sights spotted:

  • Snow on a grave marker
  • Snowy outdoor scene over trees and rocks
  • Snow bunny in a hat (a few versions of a bunny rabbit, including an Easter bunny)
  • Two faces
  • Animal like a lion reclining
  • Forest wooded area
  • Antique chair covered with snow
  • Furniture in a room
  • A lady laying down in the snow
  • Baby Yoda
  • People bowing down
  • Uncared for gravestone
  • Two small puppies or maybe just one small puppy

I worked out later that the small puppy or puppies can be seen in my big puppy’s paw. As one participant said, there is a lot to this photo. It is all what the mind spots. Still, often after someone has spelled it out to me, I find myself saying, ah ha, I can see what you mean.  A close acquaintance of mine said just that when I put before her my tracing of the puppy.

How refreshing to have my perspective seen and heard. It doesn’t always mean agreement but at least it opens the door to new experiences and perspectives.

Truly, I have enjoyed experiencing newness in this one exercise. Hope you have, too. Let’s keep it going, trying to see another’s perspective, particularly for the sake of creating a healthy legacy for living together more harmoniously.

Watch this space for more legacy talk.

Blog/

Can You See What I See?

I love this photo, not only because I see something quite specific in it but also because it intrigues me that no one else sees what I see, at least not yet. When I spotted the art, shall I call it, on a recent holiday in Iceland, I was grateful for the touchscreen friendly gloves. I snapped away and voila, it was captured.

Though Paul couldn’t quite see it in real time, later after staring at my photo, albeit for a brief spell, he sort of saw what I meant, he said very sceptically. Never mind!

I have been intrigued with amalgamations of clouds, rocks, leaves, rain, snow, sand, you name it since I can remember. I will often look up at the sky, or at rain running down a windowpane and say, “oh I see a lake, an icicle or a beautiful mountain. Do you see it?” I turn to my present company with enthusiasm.

Nowadays, that is almost always Paul, who wishes me well in my sightings but has hardly ever seen any of my amalgamations, at least not with enthusiasm anyhow. His mother, on the other hand, was a natural composition spotter just like me.

And one wonderful writer friend will often see such art before I do. Once, while visiting me, many years ago, she looked out my window at a building across the way and asked had I realised I had a muse. At that point I had not, but tuned into to my winged lady ever so often after that day.

Thank goodness there is someone who can see what I see, sometimes anyhow. It would a lonely world if there wasn’t.  But the truth is, two people quite often look at the same situation, hear the same facts and interpret them quite differently.

My photo and fun pastime of seeing things in places where they might not normally be seen took me back to a time when a colleague said to me, you have an answer for everything, don’t you? Not sure if her words were meant to be a compliment or a dig. But I saw what she meant. I have a habit of trying to see everyone’s perspective, especially during a crisis, instead of insisting that there is only one way to see things.

Let’s be clear, I often have had to make hard calls, after assessing the facts with the understanding that emotions often drive fixed opinions, even when if feels like they are logic driven.  We humans filter everything, don’t we?

How many times have you heard or said to yourself, either literally or metaphorically, “I can’t see that.”

And whether that was literally about something in the clouds or on the ground, you have likely seen something clearly and the person next to you could not for the sake of peace see the same thing, whether in your work or personal life.

Here is the thing: this is quite common. Hence, my photo. But the key to finding harmony in a sticky situation is trying to see what the other person sees and finding a healthy resolution from there.

Of course, it won’t change a thing if you never see what I see in the photograph but if you look at another person’s background, their life situation and so on, you might be able to see their point of view. Seeing what someone else sees does not mean agreeing with it or even fully understanding it. But seeing opens the door. And you can’t find resolution with the door closed.

We all have different values, beliefs, traditions, upbringings and life situations that bring us to our thoughts, our conclusions, our perspective. And that’s okay but perspective doesn’t have to be fixed if it is subjective. Let me be clear, I am not talking about finding a grey area when something is clearly black or white and there is a lot of that going on.

What I am talking about is how stepping out of a fixed viewpoint because it is a tradition or is just who you are can be revolutionising. Try and see what someone else sees, that is, if it serves a higher purpose.

For the sake of legacy, it is worth it to me.  I’d love to see what you see in my photo.  So, tell me, what do you see?

Blog/

Casting Fear Aside: Let’s Talk About Race and Stick to the Facts Anyway

I’ve been planning to do a blog about race, more specifically racial gaslighting for the last couple of months but have stalled at every angle. But by George I think I’ve got it at last.

Fear has been the problem—fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of being misunderstood, fear of being condemn. Fear, fear, fear!

Often people who speak out about their racial experiences, particularly if they are public figures, are harshly judged and dismissed for lacking credibility. Shame, because no one knows what happens in someone’s personal life. And since we live in a racially fuelled society, we need to recognise the importance of listening as well as talking with a view to making progress.

Still, at the risk of being ostracised, folks are afraid to speak out about any form of injustice, including race.

Anyhow, not sure where all this fear has come from so suddenly, as I have not only written about race a few times in my career, but I have podcasted and talked about it, too. It is just this new kid, well actually rather old kid, on the block—racial gaslighting has a way of muddling the head.

In case you haven’t experienced it yet or know someone who has, it is all about undermining your experience of racism, ensuring that you call into question the validity of the experience. This not only discounts unconscious bias and dismisses racism as real and destructive, and we all know it is, but it also feeds into systematic racism.

Racial gaslighting has been around for a long-time but here is the thing: I can’t remember it being so blatant yet tolerated in my lifetime.

Thinking back to my first few memories of when I felt that someone dismissed my experience of racism, the majority, regardless of race, seemed to come to terms with the dismissal and in some instances join with me to campaign for change.

Like, for example, way back in college/university, some White classmates didn’t particularly understand why the two Black students in a class discussion about revisiting the old south felt out of sorts when folks wanted to go back until we reminded them that they were not happy days for our ancestors.

Though my memory is hazy, (it was nearly forty years ago, after all) I think the discussion ceased at least in our presence and the door was ajar for moving forward.

Fast forward a few years later, I had an ever so heated discussion with a White male colleague/friend about reverse discrimination and though we finally agreed to disagree, he could not discount the facts.

Ah ha! Stick to the facts. That is my advice to anyone who experiences racial gaslighting—hurtful phrases such as I or they didn’t mean anything by it, it is just a joke, you are too sensitive, it is nothing to do with race, all lives matter and a rather popular question: why do Black people have to always play the race card?

In my experience, we don’t put the card into play most of the time. It is usually already there when it is pointed out such as the time, I was asked to take my backpack off when entering a museum somewhere in England, as was every other Black person but I watched my stepdaughter walk in freely without any instruction, as well as other non-Black individuals. Perhaps the door holder had no mal intent but did look a bit sheepish when she saw us fraternising.

It doesn’t sound right, does it.  And it isn’t but here is the thing, unconscious bias can wreak havoc all over the place.

Could it have been the catalyst for 84-year-old Andrew Lester shooting Black teenager Ralph Yarl, who mistakenly went to the wrong address to pick up his younger siblings. Lester opened fire on the lad without any exchange of conversation and in a probable cause statement told investigators he was “scared to death” by Yarl’s size and his inability to defend himself at age 84.

While there is plenty of debate about the case, the facts remain the facts. And facts cannot be dismissed but of course, experiences and opinions can. The same can be said of less publicised and traumatic encounters in everyday life.

So, if you are standing on the precipice of fear about talking about race, don’t jump into it, the fear that is. If you do, it is likely to paralyse you. I should know. Face the fear and stick to the facts anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

Blog/

Let’s Talk About Losing: Can We Gain from It?

Believe in Yourself

I know. I know. What a drag! No one likes to lose, let alone talk about it.  But here is the thing: losing is a fact of life, no matter how accomplished you are. You will lose at something—an election, a sporting event, a debate, a board game and so on. Take, for example, the accomplished Scrabble player in our house who has a vocabulary loaded with the English language from various countries and cultures.  He is a shoo-in, right?

Most times but he has lost a time or two to the fledgling amongst us. And as painful as it has been for him, each loss has made him better and harder to beat. I should know. I am the underdog at Scrabble. So how does he do it? He learns from his mistakes, of course.

What’s new, you might be asking? Isn’t that one of those things that we learn in kindergarten–learn from your mistakes. Sure, but perhaps there are a few lessons that go hand in hand with learning from mistakes that we hardly ever implement.

One of them is feeling the loss and bouncing back from it anyway. Yes, it is natural to cry or feel gutted in the immediate aftermath of the experience.  I have seen plenty of athletes shed tears or show their disappointment at losing a game/a match and come out fighting the next day. The point is ignoring difficult emotions can be unhealthy both mentally and physically, so best to acknowledge and deal with them.

However, there is a huge difference between feeling the loss and being a sore loser.  Almost always, a sore loser is too upset to learn from the experience, which is a great segue to the next point.

Let it go! At first, blinded by tears or painful feelings, this might be hard to do but holding on to the past often clouds your view and can lead to depression.  A cloudy view is not a good starting place to learn lessons, even if you don’t get depressed. As a girl, I was a high performing runner and one day at a school competition stalled at the start line and I never let go of that humiliating, horrible feeling. It stalled me forever as a runner. 

That’s why I know letting go is easier said than done.  Doing so often means accepting the situation for what it is, meditating, praying, studying, practicing, overcoming any errors that might have contributed to the loss and looking to the future with belief in yourself.

Most of us either know someone who has done a remarkable job at letting go or have our own personal experience.  I certainly have and have reaped the benefits, for example, in my writing.  And if we don’t have an up close and personal example, we don’t have to look too far for inspiration. Examples that spring to mind are Jennifer Hudson who did not win American Idol but look at her now and Michael Jordan who didn’t make his varsity basketball team. Everybody knows his name.

A third lesson to be learned from losing is to play your own game, even if others don’t believe in you, or you think someone else is better. This means fully immersing yourself into your skill, delivering the goods in flow, also known as the zone. I have experienced the flow as a writer and have watched numerous athletes perform from this mystical place within, which brings the mental and the physical together magically. The key is to keep other people and things out of your head. It is just you.

Another lesson has to do with taking ownership.  Don’t worry about what so and so didn’t do unless it truly is an impediment. Do what you do, as my brother often tells our niece. And I’ll add, get what you need to grow.  

A passage from Michelle Obama’s book, The Light We Carry, in which she complained of a math teacher who struck her as arrogant, sums it up beautifully.

After her mother heard her complain, here is what she said. “You don’t have to like your teacher and she doesn’t have to like you, she said. “But she’s got math in her head that you need in yours, so maybe you should just go to school and get the math.”

Finally, give your all and when you have done that, you have done enough.  In the early days of playing Scrabble, for example, I was a bit of a sore loser.  I’ve come along away.  Whether I win or lose, I give my all the entire game, playing my game, and when it is all said and done, I don’t feel rubbished at all. I know I am enough!

For more tips on personal development, check out UIO’s podcast On Personal Development with Robyn Spens, which is loaded with advice on how to develop your full potential. And for information on overcoming challenges, listen to Rising Above Odds  with Hannilee Fish, who shares her personal story about overcoming seemingly insurmountable challenges.

 

Blog/

Cracking the Code for Good Sleep

At least once a week, sometimes several times, someone on social media posts about their very own experience(s) with insomnia. Often time, the posts come in the throes of the moment. Not that I see them in real time unless they are in a time zone when the midst of their wee hours is my mid-morning.

Anyhow, I know the feeling. When I am detained by insomnia, I don’t want to lie awake in bed, stare into the oblivion and be heckled by the thoughts in my head, either. I just want to sleep. That’s all. Is there a code that I haven’t cracked, I often think glancing over at a sleeping husband?

If there is one, the first part of it must be a lesson I have learned over the years: the more you chase sleep, the more evasive it becomes.

Case and point:  A few years ago, I did not sleep a wink the night before I appeared on a major television talk show in London to discuss the results of some UIO research. I tossed, turned, bed hopped, meditated, prayed, tried several sleep masks, and even commanded myself to sleep but I lay awake miserable.

Around 5 am, I happily sprung out of bed and prepared for the opportunity ahead—a car from the BBC would arrive soon to take me to the studio and I wasn’t going to botch that opportunity. Off I went and though my appearance was successful by most measures, I was exhausted and barely made it home before my lack of sleep made me sick.

Even after this, I still couldn’t sleep—too tired and ill feeling.

So where did I go wrong? According to sleep experts, I stayed in bed that night, perhaps another part of the code. Apparently, there are many scientific rules, if you will, around getting off to sleep. One of them is that if you can’t sleep, get up, leave your bed and the taunting thoughts behind, and do something interesting, meaningful, distracting. That something for me nowadays is to play solitaire with a beautiful Christian Lacroix deck of cards, a gift from a good friend. For at least one other insomniac that I know, it is decorating.  Find out what works for you and do it when insomnia visits.

Thankfully, however, I don’t have to play cards during the wee hours as often as I once did. I’ve now incorporated the practice into my sleep hygiene on the nights when I suspect I might have trouble drifting off.

According to Dr Nerina Ramlakhan, guest of our On Sleep podcast, it is important to develop sleep hygiene from the time you start your day to the time you wind down. This means paying attention to when and what you eat and drink, whether you nap or not and what you do before going to bed, all code sounding language to me.

Now about that canteen of coffee or caffeinated tea or oodles of chocolate that you enjoy daily, it might have something to do with whether you get off to sleep or even stay there or not. Experts say caffeine has an average half-life of about 6 hours. In short, that means if you have a chocolate dessert three hours before you sleep, you might be in for an awakening that night.

Worse yet, Dr Ramlakhan points out that even if you get to sleep, you might not stay there. Many people drift off and wake up suddenly, unable to get back to sleep. The good news is that staying asleep responds to the same sort of habit forming that getting off to sleep does. Not only does paying attention to your food and drink intake matter, so does power napping during the day.

One day after lunch, although I felt sleep come over me like dusk, I took Dr Ramlakhan’s advice and did not rush to my bed and pull the covers over my head. I took a nap on the sofa, setting my timer for 20 minutes. It worked. I managed to get off to sleep that night and stay there, having kept to winding down at least an hour before going to bed, signing off all devices and turning them off, assisting my chatter box to quiet down with meditation, and concealing any other blue light or indeed any light in my room, all key tips from our podcast.

Code cracked, right! Not so fast. There is another unhealthy encounter that many people have with sleep–sleeping too much, otherwise known as hypersomnia, which is not the same as being jet lagged and sleeping more than usual. It is when someone needs to sleep a lot all the time.

This can be tricky to diagnose because teenagers need more sleep than adults because of the growth and development they are encountering. But Dr Ramlakhan points out they can overdo it, putting a damper on health altogether, since sleeping too much is not good sleep either and can cause health problems akin to the ones caused by not getting enough sleep.

The key is getting the right amount of sleep for you. That cracks the code for sure. For more information on how to do this, outside of any medical problems, check out On Sleep wherever you listen to podcasts.

 

Blog/

Boundaries for Your Best Life Now

Boundaries. Now there is a word that sets the cats amongst the pigeons, particularly for those who don’t really have boundaries or value the boundaries of others.

When I was a teenager, the word threw me into a tizzy, even if I did understand the importance of having boundaries, not only the ones my parents set for me but also the ones I set for myself. Still, I found some of them hard to honour, mostly because of peer pressure, though I didn’t often cave into the desires of others. But when I did, the consequences were longstanding.

Take for instance, the biggest boundary disaster I had during my teen years got me into hot water with my parents and on the outs with some of my friends, too.

I won’t go into detail but upon reflection, had I honoured my own boundaries, even withstanding the ones that my parents clearly set out, I would have saved myself a lot of trouble and maintained a friendship that meant a lot to me.

In hindsight, however, I only have myself to blame. Caving into peer pressure led to being irresponsible and broken trust and broken relationships all over the place. Likely my reputation suffered a bit too.

Though much has changed since I was a teenage girl, such as the widespread use of technology, many of the issues are still the same—peer pressure is one of them.

It is all about being liked, reminds Lindsey Turnbull, guest of UIO’s On Girls Rights. Everyone wants to be liked.

I can vouch for that. But here is the thing: dishonouring your boundaries doesn’t guarantee being liked. It might backfire, as it did for me all those years ago.

It is important to like yourself, says Lindsey, who is founder of Miss Heard Media.  The more you like yourself, the easier it is to say no to things that don’t serve you.  Another way of seeing this is that having boundaries protects you from situations that do not serve you.

Further to this, Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend says in their New York Times bestselling book, Boundaries, that boundaries define us—what is me and what is not me.

This, I can attest to.  After my big disaster, I often had to dig deep and stand my ground if something just wasn’t me and I still do. This understanding of boundaries continues to help me navigate difficult situations. Though I don’t always get it right, being tuned into my own values helps me to take responsibility for my own life experiences.

Nonetheless, taking ownership isn’t always easy. It is much easier to cast blame. It’s this person’s fault or that person’s problem. The flipside is feeling guilt and taking on someone else’s problem. In this case, they likely haven’t set boundaries and you are dishonouring yours by taking on the issue.

Make no mistake about it, friends show-up for friends in need but it doesn’t have to be at the expense of values and boundaries.

According to Lindsey, the key is to self-reflect and review your values, which play a huge role in setting boundaries, as does character. This helps to curate your space, not only online but also your physical space.

Boundaries can be considered in all aspects of life ranging from the content you put online to who you follow online and what you read. You can use boundaries, for example, to block content that makes you uncomfortable or report it is as abuse.  In our On Being a Teen Girl Now podcast, Leah and Divaina talk about the inappropriate content that targets teenage girls about body image. While you might not be able to eliminate it completely, you can honour your boundaries and not read it or report it.

And, understanding that body image is about more than how you look helps you to like yourself more and live out your values—exercising, eating well, sleeping better and so on.

The thing about being young, Lindsey says, is that taking care of yourself does not have to be so regimented. Exercise can be running and jumping in the park or having fun with your friends on a sports team.

In other words, tap into your childhood spirit for as long as you have it, all the while setting boundaries, honouring them, and living your best life intentionally now. For more about boundaries and dealing with peer pressure, listen to On Girls Rights and Peer Pressure Inside Out with Full Circle Author Natalie Savvides.

 

 

Blog/

Maintaining Your Family Relations

Family matters! It always has and it always will, but here is the thing about family: the relationships require maintenance just like friendships and romantic relationships.

If someone said this to me when I was a teenager, I might have hunched my shoulders because as far as I was concerned the relationship at home ran on auto pilot. It was my parent’s job to raise me and to put up with every sulk and mood that came over my teenage mind and body and quite frankly be happy about it. I felt they were responsible for meeting my needs. It never occurred to me that they had needs, too.

Thankfully, I had no nonsense parents who went a long way to take care of me and my siblings, but they didn’t jump through hoops, accepting disrespect and disregard. According to their values, they developed boundaries, which is quite key to maintaining family relationships. More on that later.

For now, let’s look at another aspect of maintaining good family relationships—effective communication. Without it, relationships perish, whether in a traditional family unit, like the one I grew up in, or a blended one, akin to what I live in now.

According to Dr Lisa Doodson, guest of our Your Family Matters podcast, if we rely on sensitivity and effective communication, we bring an openness to the table rather than a closed mindedness that can squash opportunities.

Take something as a simple as music, an acquaintance once talked about the importance of learning about her teenage daughter’s music instead of fobbing it off and refusing to let her play it on their drive to school. Though it wasn’t her thing, she decided it was a way to connect with her daughter.

No one needs to be marginalised or feel snubbed. But everyone must bring willingness to the table, says Dr Doodson. That means everyone—when I was teenager, I am not sure I understood.  However, in On Being a Teen Girl Now, teenage guests Leah and Divaina stress that communication is a two-way street.

Communicating effectively can open doors that have been previously shut, and in a blended family can be the gateway to broadening horizons of its members and can also increase emotional intelligence, according to Dr Doodson..

Take my relationship with my in-laws, for example. We had a good rapport from the word go but not for a moment did we pretend that we understood each other’s life experiences fully, particularly when it came to race. My in-laws grew up in the 30s, long before I was conceived, and were open minded about embracing my culture. And I had to put aside pre-conceived notions and stereotypes about theirs as well.

Another example might be a parent taking on a new partner after separation or divorce or loss. This can be challenging for everyone but employing sensitivity and effective communication can assist with overcoming hurdles. Instead of refusing to accept the new person, let your parent know that you understand that they have needs but you are not quite ready and need to take things slowly.

In our podcast, Dr Doodson and I talk about understanding roles and boundaries when a new person or persons enter your life. If new siblings come into the fold, open and honest communication becomes even more pivotal.

As for boundaries, they really come in handy in any family unit. Traditionally, such as in my family, our parents had rules about our comings and goings, etc, and it worked for the benefit of everyone. Nowadays boundaries extend far beyond the physical.

When using the internet, for instance, be sensitive to other family members. In a blended family this can become quite complex when posting about holidays and activities. Make sure it is fine with family members who are on the outside of the experience before doing so, otherwise, you could cross a line that leads to hurtful consequences.

The point is that all family members matter, whether a part of a traditional family or a blended one. Take care of yours with effective communication and healthy boundaries. For more information on family life, listen to Your Family Matters and Your Family Inside Out with Helen Lewis, founder of Literally PR.