Tag: anxiety

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How to Handle Question Dodging

I have a short fuse for question dodging.  The thing is, question dodging is nothing new but back in the day, say even a year ago, it was not so prominent or acceptable.

Just ask my nieces and nephews or anyone who knows me well.  Within a reasonable amount of time, say a day or two, I would call you out and ask if you were still interested, available, etc.  Are you going to answer the question or not?

Admittedly, most times the answer was ‘not,’ followed by a bit of stonewalling. I was busy with so and so and so on. Stonewalling is not great either but at least I got an answer, even if it was evasive.

No matter how you look at it, we are talking poor communications and quite frankly bad behaviour, which is appalling when the question dodger responds to part of the content and ignores the timely, most significant bit.

Ah ha! I reverted to asking one question at a time. Sadly, the dodgers fell back on completely ignoring the message altogether, letting it fall in a black hole of unanswered questions and then when confronted resorted to tired excuses. I didn’t get it! I overlooked it somehow.  You know the drill.

No wonder the short fuse, right.  Admittedly, however, my firing back at the matter sort of backfired, got me isolated. All communications ceased, one short step away from ghosting. You can’t ghost your aunt or friend, right. They no where you live. But if it was a bureaucratic business matter or customer service issue, I got ghosted. And was pulled into the vortex of red tape, as if I was the person behaving badly.

An acquaintance confessed losing the will to live (not literally, of course) when this repeatedly happened to her. I know the feeling. I can’t tell you how many times I have given up, if only momentarily, and found myself stewing in isolation. Not good for the anxiety, either so I had to take a different approach.

First, I acknowledged that question dodging is not acceptable, no matter who tries to normalise it or who does it. It breeds unhealthy relationships that become fragile to any cracks.  So don’t accept it as normal.

Though it is on the rise, most people who do it know it is rude.  Maybe it is the crowd syndrome that sucks people in. Everybody is doing it.  So why not?  Because following the crowd does not pay off, particularly when a situation is unhealthy, and can do far more harm than it can good.

Next, I realised that question dodging is not personal and that it says more about the dodger than it does you.  Sure, some people don’t communicate out of anger for ages and others are poor communicators full stop.  But most people dodge questions when they don’t know the answer or feel uncomfortable saying no or giving an honest answer. Knowing this does not fix the situation but it does wonders for self-worth and anxiety. Nothing to do with you.

Okay, so how do you handle question dodging?  If you are the dodger, recognise that it is poor communications and quite frankly rude and not helping you or the person you are dodging.  Send a holding note, saying I’ll come back to you soon.

That takes the edge off your anxiety and leaves the door open for a gentle nudge from the receiver if too much time lapses. And if you still don’t know or want to answer, say so.  Your relationship will be in much better stead than it would be if you keep dodging. Promise!

As for those of us on the receiving end of question dodging, again recognise it for what it is and that it has nothing to do with you. That will abate the self-righteous bit of your ego that wants to explode. And from a practical standpoint call to ensure that the person has received the message.  If they don’t answer and continue to dodge you, let it go, unless it is life threatening or life altering.

Later, when the turmoil has passed bring it up in a healthy friendly way without naming it question dodging. Remind your acquaintance that it is unhealthy and that you don’t want to pretend like it is normal.  And if the dodger feels offended, leave the offence with them. If they display remorse, laugh it off and move forward together! Now that’s normal and totally acceptable behaviour.

 

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Why Getting My Name Wrong No Longer Triggers Anxiety

All this mispronunciation of Kamala Harris’s name got me thinking about the pronunciation of my own name.  In short, my mother named me Sonja with a hard j and straight from go, society rejected this name. Not sure why but here is the story.

First off, the attending nurse at the hospital recorded Sonja as Sandra, not giving a toss that my mother had clearly said Sonja. The year was 1962 and it was likely a microaggression, plain and simple. Though my mom would have likely asked for a correction early on, her voice was overlooked so rather than to feed into the negative, often volatile loop of the times, she decided there was another way to fight the battle.

Though Sandra reigns on my birth certificate, my parents called me what they named me and so did everyone else around me, until I reached first grade—this was the second rejection.

My first teacher, the most wonderful woman I had ever met, corrected me when I proudly called myself Sonja and carefully explained that the j was silent, therefore I was to be called Sonya.

This revelation brought tears and a heavy heart and quite frankly ripped into my very young identity. I carried this scar home but thankfully, my mom, on the battlefield, made it clear to the teacher that the j was not silent. There, the j was reinstated for the next few years. My dad even nicknamed me Sonj-ay!

But it was not over yet. When the schools integrated, my new teachers consistently silenced the j. It was only when my peers joined in that the scar reappeared. Of course, at 9 years old, I was too young to understand what was brewing.

Looking back, I can see that the j was whitewashed by an American society that felt far more comfortable with the Western European pronunciation, which is a lovely name. Apparently, some eastern European nations recognise the hard j, as do some African and many Asian countries.

As the years flew by, I noticed how interchangeable my name became to peers and even family members—some days the j was unmistakable and other days it was silent. I sort of got used it, though I felt a bit down about it.

As a young reporter, I had a good spate with amateur linguists who loved getting it right. Some even nicknamed me Sonj, which I proudly answer to, even today. There were exceptions, of course, such as when I interviewed the renown Abigail Van Buren ‘Dear Abby’ who decided she would call me Sandy and thus sent me a lovely note underpinning her choice.

In NYC, as a young media specialist, I became Sandy, Sandra, Sonya and even Angela, all because people claimed they couldn’t understand my pronunciation. Imagine being told that you don’t know how to say your own name. The scab came off the wound.

I went into battle correcting and protecting my j. And then about 10 years ago I realised that this battle was like an autoimmune disease. It was debilitating! From a legal perspective I had always been Sandra anyhow, so instead of wasting further energy on the correct pronunciation of my name, I leaned into it. And the wound closed. Honestly!

Make no mistake about it. I am not suggesting that VP Harris does any such thing. We need to get her name right. But what I am saying is this: when my name is misused, I do one of two things—ignore it or give the correct pronunciation and shrug it off. I have often said privately and publicly I will happily answer to Sonya or Sandra, too. I know who I am.

In short, the correct pronunciation of a name lies with the pronouncer and if they can’t be bothered, then don’t let it bother you. Anxiety lifted!

 

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TAPPING INTO YOUR ANXIETY

Anxiety is so personal, isn’t it? I have come to understand that over the last couple if years in particular. What I feel is what I feel and how I deal with it is personal, too. Make no mistake about it, I am not carrying it around like a thorn in my side or being pessimistic about it. I am just saying that when it is in my space – it is a force to be reckoned with.

Recently, someone told me about the children’s book There Is no Such Thing As a Dragon. In short, a little boy discovers and befriends a small dragon living in his home but his mother refuses to believe that the dragon exists. So the dragon gets bigger and bigger and only when she faces the fact that the dragon is real does it shrink to normal size. The little boy makes the point that the dragon just wants to be noticed.

Ah ha! Such is anxiety.

This is one of the tips in my latest vlog, Tapping Into Your Anxiety–Acknowledge it. And after doing this, you can gain control to manage it. Sounds like a plan to me. Check out Tapping Into Your Anxiety on my You Tube channel and please do give us a like and subscribe.

Take care of you inside out.

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Dealing With Anxiety On All Levels

So, what is making you anxious nowadays?  If you are anything like me, you might be thinking where shall I start? There is a mountain of worries on a world scale and sometimes equally as many on a local scale. Few will challenge that notion, but it’s the personal ones, if you ask me, that really get the adrenalin flowing.

And before you know it, you’ve had something beyond an adrenalin rush that makes you think you are having a medical emergency.

Been there and done that. That’s anxiety, this feeling of unease, like a worry or a fear. Unfortunately, it happens to us all from time to time and to some people it happens perpetually.  In other words, bouts of anxiety range from mild to severe and when anxiety is severe, it is usually then considered a specific condition and treated as such in the best-case scenario.

But here is the thing. Anxiety comes under the umbrella of emotional and mental health, whether it is mild or severe.  And just as we can do things to maintain good physical health, we can do the same with mental health.  And when more severe mental health problems arise, we can get  help just as we do with a severe physical illness.

I’ve been fortunate enough to do three podcasts around mental health, one of them specifically on social anxiety, a more severe form of anxiety. Check out our podcast, On Social Anxiety, with Claire Eastham, who suffers from social anxiety, for a better understanding of what it is and what it is not. As Claire says, it is not a fear of people, it is an overwhelming fear of being judged by other people so much so that you isolate yourself.

In any case, I’ve learned a lot from all three podcasts on the matter and have gleaned some tips from the interviews, research and personal experience.  Let’s start with how to maintain good mental health to ward against anxiety.

  • Understand your anxiety. Call a spade a spade. The minute you do this it loses its power. This is one of the best tips I have ever received, and it just so happens it came from Laura Miles, guest on Your Body Image Inside Out.
  • Make time for your worry. That’s right! Give it its props, isolate it and move on.
  • Face the things you want to avoid. Claire Eastham points out that if you don’t anxiety wins.
  • Challenge your negative thoughts. That’s a biggie and goes hand in hand with positive self-talk.  Cheryl Grace talks about the importance of this in Your Confidence Inside Out.
  • Shift your focus. Get practical and physical by doing something you enjoy which relaxes the mind, such as yoga, running, or even journaling.
  • Talk about It. A problem shared is a problem halved. 

What about getting help when anxiety becomes more severe and interferes in your daily life.

  • Realise it is not your fault; it is a condition.
  • Reach out to adults/counsellors, people with more experience in the area.
  • Get a diagnosis, if at all possible. Once you know what it is, it is possible to then treat it, as you would a physical illness.
  • Care for yourself. Lots of options here including eating right, getting enough sleep, and managing the time you spend on social media.
  • Talk to someone you trust. It is important to give the negative feelings airtime so that they don’t stay buried in your mind.

So, whether it is mild or severe, anxiety can be managed for a happier and healthier life experience.  Again, check out UIO podcast for more tips.

 

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Keeping Anxiety At Bay

Anxiety has a way of getting up close and personal during the busiest of times. And let’s face it, the holiday season is ripe for the picking. With all the latest Christmas ads launching in the UK this week, including John Lewis’ Christmas ad, the pressure can start to rise be it from a financial perspective, or the pressure to host the best Christmas.

Here is a recap of such an incident that hit me hard in 2018. How the feeling that something was seriously up with my health but the reality was that I was experiencing anxiety.

Back to this place and time in 2018.

Most of my shopping had been done, plans had been made for the big cook off, I had a lovely champagne tea organised with two close writer friends to celebrate my birthday and of course, Christmas was a major success. All was going on track with UIO, too.

I was poised to deliver a blog  and plans were progressing on some exciting work to do with our website and the Wait Awhile campaign (this was back with the planning!)

 Somewhere in the folds of my mind, I must have been unsettled because little by little the symptoms of anxiety began to needle me—a prick here and there, all the regular stuff such as feeling tight and restricted on the oxygen flow that runs deep within. Try as I did to ignore it tossing and turning throughout the night, I sort of caved in upon rising Thursday morning.

Instead of leaping out of the bed and counting my blessings, I lay staring at the ceiling thinking what is wrong with me? I felt so tight muscular wise but also tight inside as if I was going to smother. All sorts of out of the periphery answers streamed into my head and caused the weight of my worries to get even heavier.

At last I dragged myself out of the bed and two hours later turned up at my training session rather weary. You see on the drive there, things got worse. Every time I coughed I felt a pain right behind my left breastbone but I persisted.

It was only after admitting the symptoms to my wonderful personal trainer, Laura Miles, that I begin to face my reality. Though what I was feeling felt like all sorts of other very serious conditions, it was anxiety, even if I didn’t think it had a right to be lurking around. Enough said personally.

The point is as we approach the end of the year, we are bound to feel more stressed than ever. And though this is meant to be a festive, fun and relaxing time of the year, in reality it can be quite the opposite. The body goes into the fight or flight mode—you know the one in which released hormones activate the nervous system to cope with a dangerous/threatening situation.

Sadly nowadays, we often find ourselves highly stressed, in fight or flight, unnecessarily, which can lead to panic attacks and so on. Our latest podcast episode Series 3: Episode 6 – On Social Anxiety which compliments another two podcasts around Mental Health  Series 1: Episode 6 – Your Mind Inside Out and Series 2: Episode 2 – On Undiagnosed Mental Illness offer excellent advice and hot tips on how to manage stress. Great listens gearing up for the holiday season and during it also.

In the meantime, here are some tips on keeping anxiety at bay.

1) Be realistic about what you can and cannot do. Admittedly, I jammed too much in for one day. Had I spread the joy over a couple of days, I might have spared myself some anxiety. 

2) Limit drinking (avoid drinking for teen girls). Not a big drinker at all, but I like my champers, particularly during a special occasion. Surely a glass of champagne and a glass of wine in the evening couldn’t have contributed to the issue. It can and likely did as when the body is already stressed, alcohol, as a toxin can fuel the situation.

3) Breathe deeply. Shallow breathing has become a way of life, which is unsustainable, and it was only when Laura suggested some breathing exercises to takes breaths from my diaphragm that I started to feel my oxygen flow naturally again.

4) Turn off the chatterbox that is on continuous loop. When she says you need to go to the emergency room (A&E) for this and that, revert to point three, lying flat on your back and touching your stomach to feel your breath, if at all possible.

5) Catch a breath of fresh air. Go for a walk, a run if you fancy, that is if you are not on crutches. That can put you at a disadvantage for high impact activity but by all means, get outside if you can and again revert to point three if the sun is out and the grass is dry.

6) Eat whole foods and avoid foods that you cannot tolerate. I know, it’s cold and sometimes it’s easier but remember diet is so important.

But having a calm, out of fight or flight mode, holiday has to be worth it to both your body and your mind. It is to mine.

Take a listen to our latest podcast episode. Claire Eastham has some brilliant tips on social anxiety, remembering that it isn’t your fault, how she lives a normal life, even with anxiety disorder. She has some great tips on belly breathing, as well as a You Tube video too.

We’d love to know what you think of this episode and others!

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Opening Up About Mind Matters: Tips for Teen Girls

More than half-way through the UIO series of ten, the new podcast for teenage girls, Episode 6: Your Mind Inside Out was released today.

Timely indeed as the notion of dealing with mental and emotional health becomes more apparent in society.  Back in April, for example, Prince Harry admitted seeking grief counselling twenty years after his mother’s death to avoid emotional collapse.

Other well-known people have talked about the issue, too. But it’s not just the famous who face emotional and mental well-being issues; it’s everyone. And all too often, mind matters are swept under the carpet, owing to stigmas.

Helping to reduce stigmas and speak openly about mind matters are New York Psychoanalyst Dr Jane Goldberg and her daughter Molly. Special guests for the sixth episode of UIO, the duo talk about the importance of communicating feelings and concerns and also shared personal experiences and challenges that have not only brought them closer together, but also helped Molly to navigate her teen years.

Now 23, Molly is studying to become a psychoanalyst, also, while Jane practices in New York and writes books. Author of eight titles, her latest My Mother, My Daughter, My Self is published by Free Association Books.

Check out the podcast here via Souncloud or listen on iTunes, Stitcher, Tunein, Libsyn or sign-up for my rss feed. Meanwhile, stayed tuned for Episode 7: Your Values Inside Out with Jenny Garrett, author of Rocking Your Role.