I have always known that effective communication is important—it’s one of the hallmarks of a healthy relationship, of course. No matter who the relationship is with—spouse, partner, friend, child, parent, boss, hairdresser and so on.

But it is only recently that I realised that good communications, when it goes awry, bad communications that is, is one of my Big Red Buttons. Apparently, we all have them, the things that get the nerves in a tailspin. You know what I mean. And once that button is pushed, a sort of neurosis likely follows.

For example, a strew of ignored messages and emails, unanswered calls and pretence that it is normal behaviour puts me into an unhealthy space. Metaphorically, my head begins to let out steam like Fred Flintstone in the Flintstone’s cartoon when he was angry. And the mind gets unbelievably imaginative.

The said person is branded rude, inconsiderate, selfish or even flighty at one end of the pendulum, and at the other end, it is about me. What have I said or done to deserve this disrespect? When that train of thought loses steam, I begin to worry about the person. Do they have problems more alarming than my Big Red Button.  Sure, they do, otherwise they would not be behaving so badly, right. That is when pity sets in.

But it’s all speculation. The facts are the facts. They did not write, call or communicate, full stop. Is their behaviour reasonable, is it right? Of course not. In a morally conscious culture, all these things are counterculture.  But to hit people over the head with information they already know, while allowing it to consume your mind, is tiring and quite frankly, a nuisance to you and only you. I should know.

At its extreme, obsessive behaviour can cause real neurosis or at the very least, disrupt the flow of peace within, making it hard to enjoy life and deal with the challenges that really matter, like good behaviour and effective communication.

So, what do you do?  First, know your Big Red Buttons and watch them closely. Next, call out the behaviour but that does not mean leaving curt messages or telling the person off. And you don’t go awol either. Trust me I have thought about all the above.

One mind expert tells me, give them a chance to escape. As mentioned, they too know it’s wrong. For this to work, however, you must have a strong foundation where there are spoken or unspoken moral codes. Otherwise, you get rubbish responses such as that is your truth, not mine. If that is the case, run. You won’t be able to control your button.

But if the relationship is a keeper, show you are concerned and try asking questions like: Are you okay? Is all well with you?  Why didn’t I hear back from you? That is not naming and shaming bad behaviour, it is putting it in the room, making it tangible while leaving the judgments out the room.

Solved, right. Wrong! Finally, if it continues to happen, my expert reminds that taking a firm approach in a calm state of mind, (not when the Big Red Button is still flashing) is preferable to a heated row or bottling it in and at some point, exploding or imploding. You might even be able to make light of it to find perspective.

The key is you want to keep the relationship healthy and if you get that point across, your Big Button Red Button is unlikely to ignite, nor will theirs. In the meantime, remember, we all have Big Red Buttons, and life pushes them from time to time but when they are alarming all the time—it is time to get to know them, monitor them closely and finally exercise some control over them.

Suddenly, life will feel a lot healthier. Count on it!